


Cliché

by BurnLikeAFire



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-07-10 21:27:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnLikeAFire/pseuds/BurnLikeAFire
Summary: "You do sex work?"It was the truth, but hearing it such blatantly made Yunho feel embarrassed and humiliated. Instead of answering with words, Yunho nodded."Why?"Yunho spoke after fiddling his fingers for a little while."I needed money for my sister's hospital fees."Changmin laughed at the stale, cliché answer. He felt frustration well up in his chest, like he was watching some third-rate drama.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Cliché](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/416822) by 그리 | Gree. 



> Please do not take out and do not replace characters with others as per the original author's wishes!!

The business trip got longer unexpectedly, and the fatigue mixed with annoyance into a mess. Especially on days like today, when he had to make a personal trip down to Busan to convince the arrogant buyers and sleep in a hotel for more than two days. For the sensitive Changmin, even the best of suite rooms were only just uncomfortable places that were 'not home'.

Changmin had just returned to the hotel after listening to the German language for over three hours and finished off he deal and asking his secretary to book the earliest flight back to Seoul. In the elevator, he loosened his tie that had been choking him for the entire day, then walked down the carpet lining the hallway.

" _You dirty little whore_!"

Such crude words to be heard on a floor full of the best suite rooms in the finest hotel.

Changmin frowned and sighed. Just as he was thinking that he would never set foot in this hotel again, the suite room door laden with intricate designs flew open roughly with a bang, and a boy who was clearly a mess even from a distance flung himself out of the suite. The boy was clutching his shirt that had been ripped open, and he ran with a limp. His eyes met Changmin's. Changmin saw that his cheek was swollen red and his lips were bloody. For the short but long while, the two of them stared into each other's eyes.

Then the boy approached Changmin and took hold of his suit jacket.

"Help me…"

Changmin looked down at the young boy, who had tears falling from his eyes. Changmin's thick eyebrows furrowed slightly. The boy's dark eyes reflected into Changmin's. Ironically, the boy's eyes, which likely held the dirtiest backstory, looked innocent and clear.

"Please save me… Sir…"

Changmin finished assessing the situation and spoke to the boy dryly. "I don't make losing deals."

"…Sir?" whimpered the boy.

"If I help you, what will you do for me?"

The boy's gaze shook. He looked like a kitten drenched in the storm, mewing for help.

" _You_!"

The boy's face filled with terror hearing the voice of the man who had come after him in a bathrobe. He let out a sorrowful sob and squeezed Changmin's suit jacket.

"Anything. I'll give you anything… Please help me…"

Changmin's lips curved up, satisfied, and the boy hid behind him.

" _Hey, you!! You want to die?_ "

"I don't think you're the only person staying at this hotel," said Changmin calmly.

"It's none of your business. Get on your way."

"It's so loud, I can't get on my way," said Changmin. His eyes became dark, and the man couldn't easily lash out at Changmin's aura.

"He looks like a minor. I guess you sex traffic minors here like it's nothing?" said Changmin gracefully. It was obvious through Changmin's attitude towards this aggressive man that he had never bowed his head to anyone before in his life.

"Sex trafficking and assault of a minor. I think this will be enough bother, don't you think? If you have enough money to stay here, it probably means you're at a level where you have to worry about your stocks. Can I give you a warning? If I report this, it won't just be your stocks, but also your name that's going to fall into the dirt. Because… I think my money will be stronger than yours. So much so that if you try to cover this up with your money, I'll be able to pull this out again with twice as much."

The man, clearly having felt danger from Changmin's unbothered tone, swore and returned to his room. Changmin looked down at the boy who had fallen to his knees behind him. For reasons he didn't understand, he saw the shaking boy as more dangerous than pitiful. The riskiness that Changmin didn't feel even with adults was exuding from this boy. Was this what pushed this boy to the shadows?

"Get up unless you have broken bones."

The boy got up gingerly at Changmin's emotionless tone.

"Name."

"P…Pardon?"

"Answer me if you heard me."

"Oh… Yunho. Jung Yunho…"

The boy looked up at Changmin and bit his lips.

"Follow me."

 

 

Yunho sat on the big leather couch awkwardly. He pulled out a couple of tissues from the box on the table and wiped his bloody lip with them. He was so tired of himself, for having followed another man he didn't know. He was thrown out mercilessly from the fence of adults that should have been taking care of him, and he had tried to work part-time jobs for his ill younger sister, but all that was available to him was low-paying jobs that paid not much more than five dollars an hour. He needed much more money. That's why he crossed the line that he shouldn't have. At first, it had been hard and scary. But he became used to it little by little, and when he realized that he could earn large sums of money at once, he couldn't stop himself. He had no intention of stopping himself – because he couldn't also lose his sister.

Changmin toweled his wet hair dry in a bathrobe and sat on the sofa across from him. He exuded an aura that was almost suffocating. Yunho had never met anyone with such an aura before.

"You do sex work?"

It was the truth, but hearing it such blatantly made Yunho feel embarrassed and humiliated. Instead of answering with words, Yunho nodded.

"Why?"

Yunho spoke after fiddling his fingers for a little while.

"I needed money for my sister's hospital fees."

Changmin laughed at the stale, cliché answer. He felt frustration well up in his chest, like he was watching some third-rate drama.

"Nineteen?"

"…Eighteen."

"A high school student who does sex work to earn money for his sister's hospitalization."

Yunho didn't answer.

"You followed the man into the suite room because he called a price that was much higher than what you usually get. But you see… it's those with money who are dirtiest and creepiest."

"…"

"You went in, not knowing what to expect, and got scared at what he wanted to do to you. You tried to stand up to him and he beat you up. You were getting beaten up and thought, _ah… I could die like this_ … and you ran away from the room and I happened to be there. Right?"

Yunho bit down hard on the inside of his cheek at the man, who was saying his story like he was reading an interesting novel.

"What, does that make you feel upset?"

"It certainly doesn't make me feel happy," said Yunho quite insolently, and Changmin couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

Changmin actually had no idea what he was going to do with the boy. He wasn't one to be impulsive and he was completely indifferent to things that didn't have to do with him, so this was the first time that he had involved himself into a situation like this, especially one that that could turn out messy.

He was bored. He was tired, and bored. It was then that the not-so-ordinary boy ran into his arms with his own feet. That was all. This was just entertainment, nothing more, nothing less.

"I'll pay for the hospital, a place for you to live, and your tuition."

Yunho's eyes became round.

"So stop doing that dirty work."

"…Why?"

"You have to ask why I'm telling you not to do sex work anymore?"

 "No… I mean, I have to already repay you for helping me before, so why are you helping me even…"

"Sponsorship. Yes, let's call it sponsorship. I have lots of money, and I'm bored. I guess I want to know what kind of happiness comes from helping kids like you. Should we say, the joys of giving? And I don't associate myself with cheap human beings who sell themselves. I'm going to clean you up first, then have you repay me for it."

Yunho flushed. The man was trampling on Yunho with his words. It was more hurtful and humiliating than being beaten. He knew that Yunho wouldn't be able to refuse – and he was right. Yunho wasn't in a place where he could do meaningless weighing between his pride and the money that was being offered to him. Maybe he was a cheap human being like the man was saying after all.

"Don't think too much. I'm interested in you, and you just have to enjoy it."

Changmin leaned back on the couch.

"I know you won't be able to refuse. My secretary will sort everything out tomorrow. It's getting late. Sleep in any room."

Yunho watched blankly as Changmin got up from the couch and disappeared into a room.

 

 

Was this what winning the lottery felt like? His sister was transferred to a university hospital in Seoul, and he was given a condo in the most expensive part of the city. He transferred to a private school nearby.

It all felt like a dream. He begged a man he'd never seen before to help him, and the man was helping Yunho with his life itself.

"Director will contact you using this phone from now on. He gave instruction not to save any other numbers on it," said the secretary with an expression as crisp as his suit. He handed over the phone to Yunho.

"Th… Thank you."

"Please contact me if you need anything."

"Yes, sir."

When the secretary left, Yunho let go of all the remain strength in his body and buried himself in the couch.

It was quiet.

It wasn't a dirty alleyway where scary and noisy middle-aged men were always walking, and it wasn't a yellowing bed in a smelly motel filled with moans.

He leaned his head back and the high ceiling came into view.

Would it be this spacey, posh house that would be warmer, or the small one-room with ripped wallpaper that leaked water when it rained? How did I get here? Why did I need not to be normal, just to be normal? Why did I have to dirty myself for things that I should be taking for granted?

But what did it matter? I have everything now.

I am happy.

Yunho slid down on the couch and curling his knees into his chest, whispered in a low voice:

" _I am happy_."

A tear fell from the corner of the eye.

He didn't know if it was a tear of happiness or sadness.

 

 

Honestly, he didn't understand.

It's been three weeks already, and in all that time, he hadn't come into the house.

Yunho had been preparing himself; though he called it sponsorship, he realized that he would be selling his body now to one person instead of anyone. But he didn't step foot into the place even once, and Yunho was starting to feel uncomfortable here.

Did he have money to burn? Was he really just sponsoring?

Yunho jumped up from the couch when he heard the front door unlock. It was him.

Yunho walked towards the door awkwardly, and bowed.

"You do have manners, don't you," chuckled Changmin after one look at Yunho. He walked past the living room and into the bedroom. Yunho hesitated, unsure whether to follow him into the room, then he went into the room too, scratching the back of his head.

"What are you doing?" asked Changmin.

"S-Sorry?"

"Aren't you going to take it?" said Changmin with his jacket on his finger.

"Oh."

Yunho took the jacket hurriedly and hung it clumsily on the hanger.

"It's new."

Yunho looked up.

"How you look all cleaned up, I mean."

It was understandable, since the only time Changmin had seen Yunho was when Yunho was a complete mess after having been beaten up.

But it was new for Yunho as well. It was so awkward that Yunho could hardly breathe.

"Sit."

The two of them sat down with the table between them.

"You feel awkward?" asked Changmin, sounding amused.

Yunho hadn't even been able to make eye contact with Changmin. It was awkward to see him after almost an entire month, but it was also burdensome to know that the man sitting across from him was taking care of everything in Yunho's life.

"A bit…"

"I've been busy. I've been hearing from my secretary how you've been doing while you were here. I'm going to be freer now, so we'll see each other more often."

"Will you be staying here from now on?"

"Yes, if there's nothing too pressing."

Of course, he brought me here to use me as a sex toy. He wasn't a charity after all, why would he be helping otherwise? Nothing was free in this world.

"Then… should I shower and get ready?"

Changmin raised the ends of his eyebrows at Yunho's words.

"What?"

"I'll get ready so it'll be easy for you to do it right away."

"Easy for me to do what," asked Changmin, his expression hardening more and more.

Yunho trailed off uncertainly. "No, I just… thought…"

"For sex?"

Yunho bit down on his lips.

"Are you saying you're going to shower and get ready to entertain me?"

Yunho was so frustrated he was going to go crazy. _There is no way that he doesn't know what I'm talking about, so what is he doing, pretending not to know what I'm talking about? What does he want from me?_

"Isn't that why you brought me here?"

Changmin sighed.

"I feel so uncomfortable, I'm going to go insane. I'm really grateful… I'm really grateful for everything you're doing for me, thank you. But nothing is free in this world. I know you're doing this to sleep with me in the end. You don't have to think about how I feel. You can just do it whenever you want. It's fine."

Changmin shook his head and laughed as if he didn't believe his ears. And then he looked right at Yunho.

"You're right. I'm going to sleep with you."

Yunho swallowed. "…Then I'm going to shower."

"But I'm not going to have sex with you now," chuckled Changmin. "I told you already.  I don't associate myself with cheap human beings who sell themselves."

Yunho bit his lower lip, hard.

"I have no intention of having sex with an eighteen-year-old who used to sleep around with whoever."

Yunho glared at Changmin. "So why did you bring me here?"

"So I can make you into a normal, eighteen-year-old Jung Yunho."

Yunho stared.

"A normal eighteen-year-old Jung Yunho, who goes to school, eats dinner, goes to visit his sister in the hospital, and does his homework and plays games and laughs and plays."

Yunho felt his eyes welling up with tears. His lip trembled.

"When all the shadows are gone from your face – that's when I'm going to sleep with you."

"…"

"Like I said, I don't sleep with cheap human beings."

Changmin chuckled. "So don't say things like that anymore. I know you're hurting yourself as you're saying it. That's not okay. At all."

Yunho let out a sob.

"I'm going to shower myself," said Changmin. "I'm getting hungry. If there's instant noodles or something, go make some."

Changmin got up from the chair and patted the top of Yunho's head for a split second.

"Stop crying. I hate the sound of people crying."

 

 

"Are these noodles or a river," demanded Changmin.

In front of him was a pot of instant noodles that looked bland, even just by sight. It was only when he stirred with his chopsticks that the noodles were visible at all.

"I'm… not so good at cooking…"

"How are you so useless in every way?" sighed Changmin.

Yunho's face fell. He looked up into the pot of noodles, and he couldn't even argue – because they really did look bad.

Changmin waved his hand for Yunho to take them away.

"Just leave the dishes in the sink. The cleaner can do it. You have school tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"It's getting late, then. Let's go to bed."

 

 

Yunho was just standing awkwardly by the bed, not being able to get in it – Changmin was already lying in it. Were they sleeping with each other…? But he said earlier that he wasn't going to sleep with him…

"What are you waiting for? You're not going to get into bed?"

"You… said earlier that you weren't going to sleep with me," murmured Yunho uncertainly, and Changmin laughed again.

"Is that all you think of when I say 'sleep'? I mean, let's go to sleep."

"Oh…"

It was so very strange and awkward. Yunho lied stiffly in the bed, and looked up at the ceiling, unable to look in Changmin's direction. And a long while later, Yunho turned his head towards him. Changmin had his head turned towards Yunho with his eyes closed. His breaths were regular – he was probably asleep.

Yunho finally looked carefully at his face.

The dark eyebrows, long eyelashes, the high, pretty nose, thick lips.

He was handsome.

He was very handsome.

Yunho turned towards him carefully as not to wake him. He hadn't been able to look at Changmin's face earlier, and he wanted to look again carefully, slowly.

"He's handsome."

He stung, but somehow, he was also warm. Was this man who pulled him up from the dirty sewers different from everyone else?

_What kind of a person are you?_

_Who are you?_


	2. Chapter 2

The curtains opened and the sun spilled onto his face. He pulled the covers over his closed eyes to shield himself from the brightness.

The sound of him putting on the shirt, putting on his tie, putting on his watch. Yunho wanted to sleep longer, but he was listening to those sounds already. Yunho pulled off the blanket and sat up.

"Go back to sleep," said Changmin, glancing at him.

Yunho couldn't sleep while Changmin was getting ready to go to work. He felt guilty. He looked at the time – it was 6 o'clock. Yunho climbed off the bed and held up Changmin's jacket for him so that it would be easier for him to put it on.

"Will you be back today?" asked Yunho curiously.

"Unless there's something pressing."

"What would be something pressing?"

Changmin didn't reply and buttoned his suit instead.

"You're not eating breakfast…?" said a concerned Yunho.

"I'm busy."

"…What kind of work do you do?"

Changmin stared at Yunho. Changmin's deeply double lidded eyes looked like they would become warm with even the slightest smile.

"Are you curious?" asked Changmin.

"…Yes, sir."

Changmin spoke as he left the room.

"Google 'Shim Changmin'. It'll tell you better than I can."

 

 

Yunho stared into his computer screen.

Shim Changmin, businessman, age 28, Director of Hanshin Electronics.

"Hanshin Electronics – that's one of the biggest corporations in the country," muttered Yunho blankly.

He started to look at the news headlines related to him. They were about how he, so handsome that he could easily be a celebrity, was one of the likely heirs to Hanshin Group who would take over as the CEO of the company. He was one of the Hanshin Group CEO's most trusted sons, and he was a bold man who would not easily lose to his brothers in the fight for the corporation.

He was tremendous person – someone that Yunho couldn't dare have met.

Yunho couldn't even remember his day at school. He rushed to the hospital right after class, buying a stuffed animal that his sister would probably like, before entering her hospital room.

"Jiyool!"

"It's Oppa!" exclaimed the young girl delightedly.

She was only eight years old, but she had never had the chance to run and play outside because of her heart. The best way was for her to get surgery when she got stronger.

"I want to be discharged so I can see the new house!"

"When you get all better and get discharged, I'll decorate your room all pink for you," promised Yunho.

Jiyool's eyes sparkled. "There's a room all to myself?"

"Of course. There's tons of rooms!"

"Wow, are we rich?" asked Jiyool innocently.

Yunho laughed. "Yeah, we're rich now. So you have to get better soon."

They chatted for hours until Jiyool fell asleep, and Yunho left the room quietly.

It was all thanks to him that his sister could get treatment, and that he could to go to school.

Someone as amazing as him was helping him.

Yunho would do everything that he could for him. He promised himself that no matter what it was, if there was a way to express his gratitude to him, he would do anything.

 

 

He started to learn to cook. It was so he could make him midnight snacks and breakfast on the days he was there. Yunho's cooking skills improved slowly but steadily, and soon, he was able to make sure that Changmin ate breakfast every morning. He tried to sleep in a different room from him, afraid that he was making him uncomfortable, but Changmin was the type that wasn't able to fall asleep without someone next to him.

On the days that Changmin had a day off from his busy schedules, he would stay home and watch the news or read his files. Every time that happened, he always had Yunho sit down next to him. And Yunho did just that – he did nothing but just sit there. It was the same when he ate. Even if Yunho had already eaten and wasn't eating with him, he had to sit at the table with him.

Yunho thought that he was probably lonely. He might not realize it, but Changmin must hate being alone. Even when Changmin talked to his parents on the phone, it was not a call to ask each other how they were doing, but it sounded stiff, like he was reporting his work to his bosses. It was as if his friends and his family all just existed to benefit him at his work.

He probably didn't even realize that he was lonely. He was just subconsciously longing for warmth.

 

 

"Welcome back."

"I told you not to wait and to go to bed without me," said Changmin, but he still let Yunho take his jacket as always.

"Did you drink?" asked Yunho.

"A bit."

"Would you like a glass of water?"

"Mm."

Yunho quickly finished tidying up Changmin's clothes and brought back a glass of water with ice for Changmin. As Changmin gulped it down, Yunho realized that he wanted to take care of him more than other days today. Maybe it was because the sharp, well-put-together man he always had been was smelling of alcohol and looking loosened up.

Yunho knelt in front of Changmin, who was sitting on the bed, and reached up to undo his necktie. Changmin probably would have stopped him if it were another day, but today, maybe because he was just a bit drunk, he stayed still. Yunho wanted to look up into his eyes, but couldn't work up to courage to. He wondered what kind of face Changmin was making.

 

 

Yunho's hand was shaking a bit as he undid Changmin's tie. Changmin watched the way his small head moved back and forth adorably, then his gaze fell down the line of Yunho's neck, and he wondered about the silhouette beneath his thin shirt. His gaze moved down again to Yunho's meaty thighs, which weren't stick thin like other boys his age.

Although his face could have been mistaken for being sharp and cold, but the soft lines of Yunho's face made him look more like a cat. In the sharp eyes were the dark irises, and below Yunho's high nose were his red, thick lips. When the boy stopped finished undoing Changmin's tie, Changmin grabbed Yunho by his chin and turned his face from side to side, as if to study it. His head was overtaken by the thought that he wanted to make this boy his.

"Do you think you're clean enough now?"

"Sorry…?" replied Yunho, clearly taken aback.

"Clean enough to have sex with me, I mean," clarified Changmin bluntly.

"I don't know," said Yunho blandly at Changmin's words laced with arrogance.

After all, Yunho had no right at all to be angry at him.

"I guess there's only one way to find out," said Yunho, looking up.

Yunho knew by now how not to be hurt anymore. It was to become used to the pain of his wounds by forcing them open himself. If he threw away the hope that it would heal, it no longer hurt.

 

 

Yunho began to unbutton Changmin's shirt slowly. His eyes couldn't look away from Changmin's lean, muscular body that emerged as the buttons undid one by one. Even his body, with the muscles moving as he breathed, was sexy, and Yunho realized: he wanted him. He wanted to see Changmin be addicted to him, be aroused by him –

Yunho pulled back Changmin's shirt and buried his lips into his neck. Changmin began to laugh as Yunho began to suck there, like a child sucking on a lollipop.

"Why are you laughing?" asked Yunho after pulling back a bit.

"Your eyes are so innocent," began Changmin, then he reached down and squeezed Yunho's ass, hard.

"Ouch! That hurts."

"But you're so naughty and dangerous down here."

Yunho smiled peevishly. "So you'll have to dirty my eyes, too."

 

 

"Give me a kiss," whispered Yunho after they finished.

He raised up his upper body, closer to Changmin's face, but Changmin turned his head a slight bit, away from Yunho's lips. Instead, Changmin grabbed the tissues from the bedside table and wiped Yunho clean. He then got up from the bed and put on the gown.

"Do just one or the other," complained Yunho. "Either be warm or be cold."

"This is just basic manners," said Changmin, glancing at Yunho, who had pulled the sheets up to his nose. "Do you want me to use the other bathroom? If you don't feel like moving."

"It doesn't matter. You go first."

As Changmin disappeared into the bathroom, Yunho looked up at the ceiling.

He was warm, cold – and everything in between.

 

 

Changmin began to come to the house fewer and fewer days. In a good week, he came three days. He wanted to sleep with Yunho especially on the nights that he was tired. He had explained that it was because then he could sleep without thinking about anything.

The more times Yunho slept with Changmin, the less he could bear the growing feelings he was developing for him. Unlike Changmin, who drew a cruel, clear line between them, Yunho's young eighteen-year-old heart was starting to be filled with scratches.

It hurt much more, he was finding, than sleeping with someone he would never see again and get paid for it. After all, the fact that he sold his body didn't mean that he didn't get hurt. It didn't mean that his heart was dirty too.

Yunho was learning the cruelty of loneliness as he spent time with him. For Yunho, who'd given up receiving warmth and hope since the start, Changmin's very existence was a source of thirst – the false hope that he would be able to make the lonely man his own, and the repeated disappointment. All of this made Yunho's heart burn hotter and made him long for more and more.

Yunho was sitting next to Changmin, who was looking at documents after having come back to the house for the first time in a long time. It had been an entire hour since he stopped Yunho on his way to the kitchen to prepare dinner, and just had him sit next to him instead. Yunho was frustrated. It was Changmin that wanted the warmth, but it was Yunho who was hurt because of it.

"You look lonely. You don't know that, do you."

Changmin turned his head and looked up at Yunho's sudden words.

"Me?"

"You're really lonely," declared Yunho.

"How would you know that?"

"I just know."

Changmin snorted. Yunho was looking at him with those dangerous but innocent eyes and speaking of this 'loneliness' that he'd never felt before.

"I've never felt lonely," said Changmin.

"Because you don't know what it means to be lonely," said Yunho. "Because you've never felt warmth before, you don't know what it means to be lonely, either."

"Interesting," laughed Changmin as if he'd just heard a meaningless joke, and he turned back to his documents – and Yunho, rolling his lips into his mouth, threw himself into Changmin's embrace.

Even Yunho was surprised at himself, but he just wanted to be in his arms. He wanted to hold Changmin, as cold as he might be.

He wanted him. He longed for him.

"You always want someone there," whispered Yunho. "Aren't you curious what it's like to be loved?"

Changmin was silent.

"Because I am. I want to know what it's like," said Yunho bravely. "And I hope that it will be you who would teach me what it's like."

Yunho squeezed his eyes shut after having said everything that he'd wanted to.

After some silence, Changmin spoke.

"Don't expect that from me," he said coldly.

Yunho felt his heart drop.

"That's not something I can give you."

Changmin pushed Yunho off. He got up from the couch, and with his finger, tapped between the space of Yunho's furrowed brows lining his hurt eyes.

"Do you know what the most stupid thing you can do in the world is?"

"What," managed Yunho.

"What you're trying to do now."

Yunho bit his lip.

"The greed that now that you have everything else, you want the last thing that's left."

It felt as if he was caught red-handed. He was embarrassed.

The time it took for the emotion that could have been beautiful and glistening to be stripped naked and to turn into humiliation was very short.

Yunho was so embarrassed and ashamed that he wished that he could hide. It felt like knives were stabbing into his heart, but also, the want and arrogant confidence that he would be able to melt the man as cold as ice pierced his chest as well.

Changmin walked to the bathroom, leaving Yunho alone on the sofa, and looked into his own reflection in the mirror.

"Lonely?" he snorted. "Ridiculous."


	3. Chapter 3

Yunho couldn't hide his disappointment off his face. He began to preparing a coffee for Changmin for when he got out of the shower half-heartedly.

He put the capsule into the coffee machine and let the lid fall closed. He then dragged his feet to the table and lied down face down over it.  When the coffee was finally made, Yunho forced himself up and put the coffee cup on the tray.

"Ah…!"

The coffee cup slid down the side of the tray, and surprise, Yunho dropped the tray. The coffee cup shattered as it hit the granite floors, and holding back tears, he started to pick up the broken pieces of the cup. But when his finger started bleeding was when Yunho finally started crying.

When he heard the sound of glass breaking, Changmin sighed and got up from the bath. He put the gown on and came out of the bathroom.

It was a sight – the spilled coffee, broken cup – and Jung Yunho, crying.

Changmin stepped around the broken glass and towards Yunho.

"I told you I don't like hearing people cry."

"It hurts… It hurts, okay?"

Changmin got Yunho up and had him sit on the sofa. He got the first aid kit and began to dig through it.

"How, come, I'm not, allowed to be greedy…?" said Yunho through his sobs. Changmin put the tissue over the cut on his finger and applied pressure.

"Why not…? I like you, and I wish that you would love me! Like a lover!"

"I told you not to expect things like that from me," said Changmin coolly as if to appease a crying child. "I don't make losing deals. And this relationship the extent where neither of us will lose anything. If you keep acting like this, I have no reason to sponsor you anymore. If you want even this relationship to end, go ahead and keep whining."

Changmin threw the bloody tissue aside and put ointment over the cut.

"Deep emotions end up becoming trash that becomes impossible to clean, and it takes a long time to take it all out. I won't do anything that I'm going to end up regretting. Especially with someone like you."

"What… do you mean – someone like me?" stuttered Yunho.

"A choice that's wrong, both for my business and for my morals," said Changmin easily. "Don't get so greedy. If not for that, you're very pretty and I like you."

Changmin finished putting the band-aid over Yunho's finger.

"I'm only going to have sex with you and sleep next to you. I think that's more than enough, don't you think? So don't mention that again."

Changmin began to re-organize the first aid kit. Tears continued to fall steadily from Yunho's reddened eyes, and he was breathing harder. As young as he was, Yunho didn't know how to give up. Changmin's words didn't even matter; he was no different from a child crying for candy laid out in front of him.

Only moments later, Yunho had grabbed Changmin's face with his hands and pushed their lips together. Even though Changmin was pushing him off roughly, Yunho threw himself closer to him, and Changmin, losing his balance at Yunho's weight, fell backwards. Yunho climbed on top of him and began to kiss him more vigorously, but eventually, Changmin managed to push him off.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

" _Why won't you kiss me?!_ "

Changmin got up, wiping his lips with his sleeve roughly, and Yunho rushed towards him and grabbed onto his arm.

" _Why not!!_ "

"Get off."

Changmin's cold, dark expression scared Yunho – but Yunho couldn't stop himself at this point. He rushed up and clung onto Changmin, who was about to leave the house with his car keys.

" _Answer me!!_ "

It happened in the blink of an eye.

Changmin's hand struck Yunho across the cheek, and Yunho fell to the floor at the brute strength of the strike.

"Learn your place."

Yunho looked up at Changmin from the floor, holding his burning cheek. Cold, emotionless eyes were looking back down at him.

"Why won't I kiss you?" repeated Changmin.

"…"

"I don't kiss cheap whores like you."

"…"  
"Are you satisfied now?"

"…"

"Enough is enough already."

The door slammed closed, and Yunho sat for a long time on the cold granite floor in tears.

 

 

The big house was quiet to the point that it was scary. Changmin hadn't come to the house for almost two weeks now, and Yunho didn't go to school. He got dozens of phone calls from the school and Changmin's secretary, but he didn't answer the phone. Just in case – in case he came to see him. Maybe he would come back if he kept quiet like this. But he didn't.

Jiyool called him to ask why he wasn't visiting her for so long, clearly very upset, and Yunho lied to her and told her that he was sick. He lied; he hadn't visited her in the hospital in case he came while he was out of the house. He wasn't able to leave the house at all.

He debated over and over whether to call Changmin. But Changmin said never to call him first… What if he made him even more angry by calling him?

Yunho chewed on his nails, debating, then threw the phone aside annoyedly and went out into the living room and turned on the TV. He flicked through the channels meaninglessly. As he watched mindlessly, he passed through a channel that made him do a double take, and he turned back to the channel quickly.

[Hanshin Group Director and the second son of the CEO's Director Shim Changmin is attracting attention with an announcement for marriage. Director Shim Changmin's bride is Park Euna, who is known to be the eldest daughter of the leading presidential candidate, congressman Park Youngjun.]

"No way."

Yunho couldn't look away from the TV screen.

"This… This isn't right…"

_Because that means that I'm really going to be cheap. It means I'm really becoming cheap, and I won't be able to even dream of love anymore. It means I'm really becoming a sex toy that's being used for my body, it means I can't have hope anymore…_

Yunho threw the remote control onto the floor, and he went back into his room and shaking, phoned the secretary.

"Sir – Sir, I'm really sick. I can't even get up. Please come over."

 

 

"What's wrong?"

"I think I've got the flu, I'm so sick I can't move. Please get me some medicine and some hot water."

The secretary nodded and left the room. As soon as he did, he got up from the bed and began to dig through the secretary's bag. He must be taking care of Changmin's schedules. He found his planner in the bag, and he took it out. He flipped through it quickly, looking for the page with Changmin's schedules on it.

"Faster – faster…!"

He had to hurry. And more than anything else, he couldn't get caught, no matter what –

"Here it is…"

Yunho took hold of the page, and biting his lower lip, he ripped the page from the planner decisively and put it in his pocket.

Once the secretary left, he took out the page and started looking at it. It had everything written on it, including Changmin's appointments and schedules, and even the contents of the news articles that would go out on each day. He was reading through the schedule carefully when the phone rang. He answered it quickly.

"Sir…?"

[Why aren't you going to school.]

Tears gathered in his eyes, just hearing his voice.

"I didn't want to miss you, in case you came…"

[You saw the news, didn't you.]

Yunho couldn't reply.

[So I won't be able to come see you for a while. When things settle and quiet down, that's when I'm going to go.]

"…"

[Just know that. Bye.]

_I guess I'm nothing to you. But you're not to me. You're not nothing to me. And I hate being nothing to you. I hate being the existence where you come whenever you want to have sex and leave when you don't – I don't want to be that existence. I don't want that anymore._

 

 

"What time is the meeting?"

"Eight o'clock, at the Galaxy Hotel."

Changmin sighed, hearing his secretary's words.

"…Did you find out about her?"

"She's a collected, quiet woman. There's nothing particularly unusual about her."

Although the media and the internet was already noisy with the news of their marriage, Changmin had never met the woman who would become his wife. In a way, that was only to be expected. It was a political marriage. It was a political, business move disguised as marriage. That was what marriage was for Changmin.

"If Yunho keeps missing school, please drag him to school if you have to, Secretary Kim."

"Yes, sir. And… Yunho called me earlier and told me that he had the flu, so I went to see him at the house."

"The flu?"

"Yes, sir."

"You didn't take him to the hospital?"

"I judged that he would get better with just some medicine, so I didn't take him."

Changmin frowned, annoyed, at his secretary. "You still should have taken him to the hospital at the very least."

"I'm sorry."

Changmin walked past his secretary, who had his head bowed, and got on the elevator. To be honest, the boy was becoming too much to handle. He couldn't stop thinking about the boy, holding onto him in tears.

Honestly, he was angry. He was angry at Yunho, who was trying to cross the line, and also angry at himself, who kept thinking about him. It was an emotion that Changmin didn't understand, and certainly didn't need. It was pathetic, the way Changmin felt wrapped around the boy's little finger.

This was just sympathy. Yes, this was sympathy, that's all that it was –meaningless, messy sympathy. The boy was just supposed to be a toy to give himself a break. Get a grip, Shim Changmin.

Once Changmin arrived at the hotel lounge, he walked with the host, who showed him to a private room. Changmin loosed up his lips to try to soften his hardened expression. No matter what happened, this meeting had to go well; even a giant corporation would run into problems if they made enemies with the government. Starting now, this was a business meeting, nothing more.

The host opened the door, and Changmin put on a smooth smile and offered his greetings to the woman who was sitting down, waiting for him.

 

 

"Will you be committed to our married life?"

Compared to the woman's soft voice, the question itself was quite aggressive.

"If being too busy isn't a sin, I have every intention of being committed."

"I see," said the woman, eyes boring into Changmin's. "Do you have anyone else you love?"

Changmin's eyes crinkled slightly. What a tiring woman.

"No. Unfortunately."

Changmin changed the subject after seeing the woman nod in approval.

"Since the media is already on it, it seems that we should start getting ready quite soon. For the wedding itself, I will go along with anything that you decide on," said Changmin.

"All right."

"Then shall we begin? Before the food gets cold."

They were making small talk while cutting into their steaks, when Changmin heard a ruckus.

"I know someone here!"

"Sir, you can't come in here without a reservation!"

"I just have to look, it won't take long!"

The noise got closer and closer to where Changmin was sitting, and soon, the door slid open.

"Sir, you can't –"

"Let go, I just have someone to –"

The source of the ruckus was Yunho. Three of the restaurant staff were holding onto Yunho, who met eyes with Changmin. Changmin squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then put his fork and knife down and wiped his mouth with the napkin.

" _Sir_ …" whispered Yunho.

"Do you know him?"

Yunho was breathing hard, staring at Changmin, and Changmin replied unwaveringly to the woman's question.

I'm so sorry. This must be startling."

"It seems like he's the one that's more startled," said the woman, looking at Yunho.

Changmin couldn't stand it anymore. He got up and walked past the woman towards Yunho.

"Get out. Go wait outside. I'm going to come out soon."

"Liar…!"

"Get out quietly," ordered Changmin through gritted teeth.

He saw his secretary running towards the room and finally understanding what happened – Yunho and Changmin, who looked angry – and the woman, who was watching the entire thing unfold with no expression on her face. The secretary began to drag Yunho out of the room.

" _Let go…! This isn't right! You can't do this! What about me?!_ "

The door closed, and Changmin couldn't look back. The woman watched Changmin for a short while, then got up with her jacket. Before she left the room, she spoke to Changmin quietly.

"It seems like there's someone who loves you, though. Unfortunately."

 

 

"Who do you think you are to come to that meeting?!"

Changmin couldn't even remember the drive home. Even in the pouring rain, Changmin hadn't slowed down at all and rushed back to the house, trying to push his anger back down. But as soon as he stepped into the house and saw Yunho, that was all pointless.

"I was scared… I was scared that you were going to throw me away and get married…"

"You little…!!!"

Changmin took Yunho by the front of his shirt. Yunho started to gasp for air, and started hitting Changmin's arm to let him go.

" _Throw you away_? And get married?"

Changmin pushed Yunho onto the floor.

" _You think I'm your lover_? How _dare_ you come to that meeting. How dare you try to mess with my work! How many times do I have to tell you to understand!"

"I didn't want that!" cried Yunho. "If you get married – I'm really going to be your sex toy – I'm really going to be a cheap whore that you sleep with whenever you feel like it…! That means I can't even have any hope anymore!"

"Exactly. That's exactly right. I already have a partner for marriage. I need a woman who will help me with my future, with my business. And you are just my sex partner who I took pity on, no more, no less. Do you understand?!"

"I know you're lonely. I know that's why you always have me beside you! You can only sleep deeply when I'm there, eat only when I'm there, and rest comfortably when I'm there…! That's what love is, why don't you get that? Why do you think that's stupid? Why do you think that emotion is a waste of time?"

There was a short silence.

But soon, Changmin broke it as if he was breaking a thin sheet of ice.

"This isn't fun anymore," said Changmin calmly. "Let's stop."

He wasn't angry. The expressionless, cold face looked as if he had finished organizing everything in his head. Yunho couldn't breathe at the eyes and voice.

"Get out."

"W…What?"

"You heard me. Get out."

"S – Sir –"

Yunho grabbed hold of Changmin's arm with his shaking hands, but he knocked Yunho's hands away, as if they were dirty.

"Ah, actually, there's no need. I'll just stop seeing you," said Changmin coldly. "I'll give you enough money to last you your lifetime. So take it and get out of my life. Think of it as payment for entertaining me up until now."

"Why – why are you doing this –"

"It's over."

Yunho lost all strength in his legs and fell to the floor as Changmin turned to leave. And not so long after Changmin left the house, Yunho got back up onto his shaking legs and ran after Changmin.

 

 

Changmin had to slam on his brakes because of the boy who had jumped in front of the car. He had his arms out wide, not even minding the rain.

Changmin honked annoyedly, but Yunho made no effort to move at all. They glared at each other through the windshield splattering loudly in the rain. Changmin's phone rang then, and he answered the phone, still with his eyes on Yunho.

"Yes, Shim Changmin speaking."

[It's Park Euna.]

"…Please speak."

[Let's see each other one more time. I think it's a bit too late to stop the marriage. However, I will decide how much help I can of be to you after seeing you one more time.]

"Yes, let's do that."

Changmin hung up the phone and walked towards Yunho. Yunho was shaking from head to tie while being drenched by the harsh rain. Changmin tried to hand him the umbrella that he was holding, but he didn't take it.

"Are you really never going to come back…?" asked Yunho, clearly devastated.

"There are no questions you can ask me anymore."

"Sorry – I'm sorry. I won't act like that anymore… I'm so sorry for asking you not to get married, I'm sorry…"

"…"

"So please… _love me_ …"

Changmin had to take a deep breath at the boy's words that pierced through his heart in an instant. In the short but long while, they looked into each other's eyes. Yunho walked closer to Changmin and held onto his suit jacket.

"Love me _…_ "

Changmin took a step back, while Yunho took another one forward.

"Sir… please love me…"

The image of the young boy who was begging for help in the hotel overlapped. The boy who was begging for help. The boy with innocent eyes.

Unlike then, though, Changmin couldn't look in his eyes.

He felt like this boy would mercilessly pull out all the dangerous emotions in him that he wasn't ready to acknowledge. It was too dangerous if it were to go on. There was too much to lose, and too much to accomplish. He was not ready to bear the responsibilities and risks that came with acknowledging those emotions.

 _Wait, what am I thinking_?

Dangerous emotions, to have to bear the responsibilities…

"I love you…"

Yunho's voice hit Changmin's ears, and he felt a breath escape him. His frozen heart started to beat faster, and the new, hot blood pumping from it made his chest grow warm. He took a few steps backwards, then turned around and began to walk faster, but Yunho chased after him and embraced him behind.

"Don't go…! Please… don't go!"

Yunho continued to cling on, even though Changmin's hands were pushing him away. Changmin shouted for him to let go and pushed him to the ground, but Yunho persisted, holding onto Changmin's leg. Yunho was on the edge of the cliff, and all he could do was hold onto him.

"Let go, for God's sake!"

"I can't live without you anymore, I'll die, don't go!"

No matter how loudly he cried and shouted and begged, nothing changed. Changmin kicked his leg out of Yunho's grip and walked away. Yunho could not be broken any more.

"'I'll die without you," whispered Yunho.

"…Do whatever you want."

Yunho looked up at him with those watery eyes.

"I should never have helped you that day. If I knew how dirty and messy this was going to be, I never would have taken you in."

Changmin's words stabbed at Yunho's heart like knives. Yunho walked closer to Changmin and spoke, his voice shaking.

"You… didn't love me?"

Changmin felt his breath hitch.

"You can tell me… you can tell me that you didn't love me… no, that you had no feelings for me, at all…?"

"…"

"You can say that you had no feelings or me…?"

Changmin let the cold rain wash away the answer to the question. He let every emotion, every feeling be washed away.

"There was never anything between you and me."

As Changmin's car drove past Yunho, an ugly sob escaped his lips. He didn't know if what covered his face his face was rain or tears.

 

 

And the next day, Yunho lost consciousness while crying with his dead sister's body in his arms.

Yunho realized it then, when his love that he had nurtured so genuinely and hopefully was pulled out by its roots – the fact that everything warm and sweet in the world was a lie.


	4. Chapter 4

A place more extravagant at night than during the day. It was a room salon in Gangnam that only the richest could get into – often called '10 percent'*. Changmin was watching his friends drinking with male hosts nestled in their arms, slightly disgusted. It was exasperating and amazing at the same time that they came to a place like this – he guessed that they were tired of partying with women now. In corrupt, rotten Korea, places like this were a necessary evil. But this was the worst waste of time, in Changmin's opinion. Changmin got up, no longer able to stand it anymore. The room went silent almost immediately.

 "I'll catch you guys later."

He called them friends, but honestly, he didn't want to spend another minute with them. Changmin ignored them as they got up uncertainly and left the room. He was walking down the dark, extravagant hallway when a door opened roughly from some distance away. A tall, lean host was being dragged out of one of the rooms by the front of his shirt. The host pulled the hand away forcefully.

"It puts me in a difficult place if you act like this," bit out the host. "You know better. I thought you'd understand if I said it nicely."

" _You know how much money I spent on you_?!"

"That was then. Unfortunately, I don't deal with trash like you anymore," said the host. "If it's your money you miss, I'll give it back to you, so get lost. How dare you act so dirty."

The man, flushing, slapped the host across the face. It looked like quite a strong slap, but the host acted as if nothing happened and straightened his suit.

Changmin squinted and studied the host closer. He was familiar. The memory of the hot fever that passed like a short cold passed through his head.

As the man continued to make a scene, the security guards restrained him, and kicking, he shouted at the host. " _I love you!_ "

The host let out a soft laughter of disbelief as he watched the man be dragged towards the exit.

"Do you know what the most stupid thing in the world you can do is?"

When the man became quiet, he spoke again.

"Love."

_It's you._

_Jung Yunho._

 

 

He leaned against the wall of the quiet hallway and took out a cigarette from the inside pocket of his jacket and lit it. He breathed through the filter and with his head tilted back, let out the white smoke into the elegant ceiling like a sigh. The tall height and the body that matched the suit so well, the low voice. Masculine and harsh, but at the same time, the soft, pretty lines of his face, and the dark aura.

Seven years later, he had changed a lot.

The young boy with the innocent but dangerous eyes no longer existed. The 18-year-old Jung Yunho who had decided to forget about the cruelty of love had grown up into a cold 25-year-old man who laughed and sneered at every emotion in the world.

The boy who had begged Changmin for love now walked past him, smelling strongly of perfume and cigarettes.

Changmin rolled his window down and stretched out his hand to feel the raindrops fall onto his palm.

Seven years ago, after hearing about Jiyool's death, he had asked for his assistant to arrange a funeral. However, he didn't attend it. Or, perhaps, it was more appropriate to say that he couldn't. Honestly, he didn't have the heart to see the boy again.

He didn't want to make decisions based on their emotions. He didn't have the heart to watch the boy crying. He heard from his assistant that the funeral had gone well, but he couldn't sleep for several nights.

He'd never felt this chaos before. He couldn't get the chaos out of his head.

_You… didn't love me?_

_You can tell me… you can tell me that you didn't love me… no, that you had no feelings for me, at all…?_

_You can say that you had no feelings for me…?_

The boy's words had echoed in his head to the point where he couldn't take it anymore, but by the time he got to the house, it was already empty. He hurriedly called him, but Yunho's phone was only ringing loudly on the table.

Changmin folded his hand in the rain and spoke quietly.

"You know, Yunho…?"

The assistant looked through the rearview mirror at Changmin. The blank look on Changmin's face was so very new.

"I found him."

_He walked past me and didn't recognize me, but I wanted to be the one to stop him this time._

_Isn't that strange?_

 

 

The house, decorated antiquely, was only good to look at, but for nothing else. It felt like not a single place could be touched easily. Euna was dolled up from head to toe as she greeted Changmin. The way she looked spoke to her personality.

"You're late."

"I had to go out for drinks."

Seven years into their marriage. It was by no means a short time, but they were not as close as the number of years. As arranged marriages usually were, they were like the mechanical smiles inside the picture frame.

That was all.

"I've asked the maid to get a bath ready for you. Go on ahead."

"Thank you very much."

The spoke to each other in honorifics and barred any tenderness from their speech to each other. It was not so much that they were showing respect for each other so much as they were not crossing lines each other.

Changmin walked into the bathroom and got into the hot bathwater. The loneliness that Yunho had uncovered wasn't easy to ignore. Each year, as time went on, Changmin was faced directly with the loneliness that Yunho had spoken of, and he did everything to try to bury it and hide it. But with seeing Yunho again, the emotions that Changmin had let fester under the surface leaked over little by little.

 

 

Yunho was smoking cigarette after cigarette on the couch with his legs crossed.

"Quit smoking, for fuck's sake." Changshik, the room salon Deep's madam, snatched the cigarette out of Yunho's mouth.

"Makes no difference if I die from drinking too much or if I die from smoking."

"Don't say that. If you die early, there's gonna be a bunch of shitheads who are going to be beating the floor."

"Yeah, right," sneered Yunho.

Changshik was the very person who scouted Yunho when he was working at a gay bar. Yunho started at 15 percent right away, which was almost unheard of. It wasn't long until word of mouth got around and Yunho's price climbed higher and higher, and soon, Yunho was known as the ace of Deep, one of the best-known 10 percent room salons out there. Here, no one asked about the past, and no one cared. The only thing anyone knew about Yunho is that he was sensitive to emotions, more than what was probably necessary. Whether it was friendships, love, empathy, or whatever else, he avoided every emotion.

Perhaps that was what allowed Yunho to be successful. The feeling that they had fully him but couldn't at the same time provided the chase so many wanted.

"Why did you call for me?"

"There was a sponsorship request for you."

Yunho frowned and looked at Changshik. It was stupid to accept sponsorships and drop his price that way, so Changshik would usually cut them off when they came in.

"Why couldn't you just cut it off yourself?"

"It's a big fish, that's why I'm telling you directly."

"You're telling me to take it? You want this place to close down?" said Yunho arrogantly with a mischievous smile.

Changshik punched Yunho's arm and spoke. "I'm telling you about it because we can survive on this sponsorship even without you there, you little shit."

"Who is it."

"You know that CEO, Kim Sunghyun. You served him the other day."

"I remember."

"He asked me to tie you down to him. You know that he has, like, half the money in this country, right? He called twice your worth. It's going to be a fucking record in this business."

There was a day not too long ago when politicians came and bought the whole place for the night. As they say, the people who were educated were the worst, and all the hosts had a really hard time that night. The person who'd made the whole thing happen was Kim Sunghyun. Surprising, since he was the one that seemed the tamest out of the bunch.

"How long?"

"Two months to start. If you give the okay, he's coming tonight."

Yunho shrugged. "I guess I'll sit in with him, see what happens."

"You know that it's not gonna be easy, right? If there's a problem, you have to call right away. You always try to solve problems on your own, but I swear to God, if you'd told me about that other fucktard –"

Yunho got up from the couch as Changshik started to nag, and held Changshik by his chin. He then bent down slowly towards him. Changshik's gaze was focused blankly on Yunho's plump lips. Yunho let out a smile and whispered into his ear.

"Madam. Don't worry so much about me and take care of the other guys, too. I'm going to get ready."

When Yunho left the office, Changshik let out the breath that he was holding. No doubt, people were often tempted by the fact that they could own someone with such an overwhelmingly strong aura.

 

 

Yunho walked into Deep set from head to toe, and the other hosts greeted him in awe. The gossip that Deep's stuck-up ace found himself a sponsor spread like wildfire.

"He's already inside?"

"Yeah. He's already had at least three glasses of whiskey. He's been really annoying, asking where you are."

"Impatient, aren't we."

"Do well, Yunho. Please? If there are any issues, just say you're going to the bathroom and come to me right away. I'll be right here."

"Fine," said Yunho without even looking, and Changshik stopped him.

"Jung Yunho."

"I got it, hyung. Stop worrying."

Yunho smoothed down the front of his jacket and stepped into the room.

The sound of whiskey being set echoed inside the large, quiet room. The CEO was watching Yunho's every move. Every movement that Yunho made was calculated, putting the ice in the glass and pouring the whiskey – even looking at the president and smiling once in a while. Yunho clinked glasses with him and turned his head before drinking down the alcohol.

Outside, everyone's attention was on the room with Yunho and the CEO Kim in it. If Yunho made a mistake while serving such a huge figure, they were probably all out of jobs for the next little while.

 

 

Changshik was getting anxious, with Yunho not stepping out of the room for two whole hours. It wasn't like he could peek inside the room. The other hosts were equally worried.

"Madam, you don't think they're – you know – _doing it_ inside?"

"No way. You think this is a cheap gay bar or something?!"

"So why is there no news?"

Changshik rubbed the back of his head annoyedly. Just then, Yunho came out of the room, and with a small smile at the president inside the room, closed the door. Everyone was relieved for the moment, until Yunho stumbled, clearly pale, and doubled over. Changshik and two other hosts rushed to Yunho's side and supported him.

"What's wrong? Huh?"

"…Bathroom."

 

 

Changshik pounded on Yunho's back worriedly as he threw up over and over into the toilet with the veins on the side of his neck popping.

Yunho dry heaved one last time before rinsing out his mouth with the cup of water that Changshik handed him.

"What happened?"

"Pours whiskey down my throat, then shoves himself in my mouth, pours whiskey down my throat, then shoves himself in my mouth… I think I finally know what it feels like to be in hell…"

" _What?!_ That crazy bastard, does he think this is some cheap sex bar in some alleyway?!"

"Why get upset over it," said Yunho tiredly. "We can't refuse after we've already given the okay."

"Still! This is – _Fuck_!"

Yunho closed his eyes and laughed.

"This is what we do, isn't it? We're all just trash."

 

 

When Yunho went into the room again, he sat in the CEO's lap, straddling him. The weakness he showed earlier as he threw up into the toilet was completely gone.

"Ah… I think I get what your style is now, president."

"Yeah?"

"You can expect big things from me."

Yunho took the president's stubbly chin with his hand and kissed deeply. Kim Sunghyun's thick hands groped Yunho's waist and ass. The kiss, without a single ounce of affection, became rougher and rougher, and his lips came down Yunho's chin to his neck. Yunho's shirt opened soon, and Yunho looked down at the top of the CEO's head as he licked and sucked on Yunho's chest like an animal.

_We're all just trash. You, and also me._

 

 

 

> _*Ten percent:_ Refers to high-class host bars that many top officials and CEOs are said to attend. The hosts are said to be in the top 10% in terms of looks. I've also seen other definitions saying that 10% is named this way because the bar takes 10% of the payment and the host takes 90%, host being able to claim so much because they are in such high demand.


	5. Chapter 5

Changmin didn't go back to find Yunho afterwards. He thought he was much too far to go back at this point. He found himself questioning, 'What if I find him? What exactly am I going to do after that?' and tried to forget about him as much as possible.

But things never worked the way as intended; the image of Yunho blowing cigarette smoke like sighs stayed ingrained into Changmin's head and shook him to the core. Even as he was working, or in a meeting, Yunho popped into his mind. As time went on, his heartlessness borne out of fear of losing everything else by acknowledging his emotions came back to him as regret. The regret gave rise to yearning and loneliness, and at the same time that he ran into Yunho again, it burst, and he could no longer control it.

"Damn it…!" spat Changmin, banging his desk with his fist.

"Is something the matter, sir," said his assistant worriedly.

"Jung Yunho."

_I can't concentrate because of him. I think I'm going to go crazy. I think there's something wrong with my brain. Aren't I selfish? I'm the one who threw him away, after all. But even if I'm being selfish, I can't control myself. Even if this is thirst, or greed, or something else, I am not going to have regrets from now on._

 

 

He seriously wondered if this coincidence was becoming fate. He also was exasperated at the fact that Yunho's world and his own was so closely connected.

Parties like these were common – secretive parties where disgusting influential figures brought their paramours, dolled up to the nines, to show them off. It also exasperated him that the promises made at the party tonight between them will make headlines the next morning – and also that Changmin was part of all of this. Although Changmin was always alone at parties like this, the man holding a champagne glass and smiling prettily next to Kim Sunghyun was Jung Yunho.

Yunho's presence at the party was certainly unmatched. The gossip that Kim Sunghyun brought with him the famous Jung Yunho, who declined the contacts of every celebrity, was the hot topic of discussion. The neat suit, and the perfect hair, the pale skin. The face that matched the height of his name. The small earring hanging delicately in his ear. And Jung Yunho, answering every question appropriately without looking intimidated in the slightest by the figures around him.

"Jung Yunho? He's famous," said Changmin's friend, having noticed Changmin watching him. Everyone started to listen in. "He's supposed to be the most stuck up out of all the 10 percent hosts. It's been, what, two years since he got famous? I bet everyone here has tried to get with him and has been rejected. I heard it's hard to even see his face. Fancy seeing him here, of all places."

Changmin was not about to ignore fate disguised as coincidence. Pushing softly past the boring conversations, he walked right up to them. People started to turn their heads to look at him; after all, although he was so much younger than Kim Sunghyun, he was known not to even look at the man. Kim Sunghyun did everything for money, no matter how dirty, and he was exactly the type of man that Changmin hated the most.

Just as Yunho was bringing the champagne glass to his lips, his gaze fixed at a place and his fingers holding the glass turned white. It had been seven years. Although it was a long time ago if you wanted to put it that way, there was no need to search through his memories to remember him. Yunho took his eyes away from him and drank down the whole glass of champagne at once.

"Good evening, President Kim."

"Ah, if it isn't Director Shim coming to me to say hello."

"I do apologize if I made you feel upset. It was never my intention."

Yunho was starting to feel uncomfortable. He didn't know what Changmin wanted, but his very existence was uncomfortable. Put simply, Yunho did not like him. He could come up with a long list of words to describe Changmin, but those emotions didn't matter to him anymore anyway.

Changmin's eyes kept turning towards Yunho, and noticing, Kim Sunghyun put his arms around Yunho.

"Ah, this is a boy I've taken a liking to lately. Say hello. This is Hanshin Group's Director Shim Changmin."

"Nice to meet you, Director Shim."

"What an excellent evening," guffawed Kim Sunghyun, and Yunho smiled lightly and linked arms with him.

Even during the conversation, Changmin kept looking, and Yunho was so uncomfortable that he thought he might go crazy. He didn't want to be in the same space as him for another minute. Tonight's party was the absolute worst. He felt his stomach turning, and he had to push down the nausea.

"Sir, do you feel like leaving yet?"

"Why, are you feeling tired?"

"I think I'm getting a bit tired."

"I have people to see. My car will be waiting downstairs. You can go back first."

Relieved by the dismissal, Yunho put down his glass and gave Kim Sunghyun a light embrace. "Come quickly. I'll be waiting for you."

Changmin's eyes settled calmly on Yunho as he left the party room.

 

 

Even the lights in the bathroom of this damned hotel was so extravagant and bright that Yunho could hardly keep his eyes open. The nausea that came out of the disgusting hypocrisy of everyone here was hard to bear. Good clothes, good drinks, lots of money. It was exactly the same as in the room salons; the only difference was the location. Yunho just felt bad for their wives waiting for them at home.

Yunho wiped his hands on his handkerchief after having washed his hands. When he raised his head, he met eyes with the reflection of Changmin, who was standing behind him.

Deeper eyes, a darker aura.

His hands started to shake a little, but Yunho soon acted as if nothing happened and put his handkerchief away back into the inside pocket of his jacket and he walked out of the bathroom. At least, he tried. Changmin had grabbed Yunho by his arm.

"You."

The man from seven years ago was calling him 'you'. In a voice that was a bit lower and softer.

"Don't you recognize me?"

He couldn't hold back his laughter. It was a laughter of disbelief. Changmin's teeth clenched; indeed, it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

Yunho laughed for a long time, then with every trace of a laugh gone from his face, pulled his arm out of Changmin's grip and pushed his hands into his pockets and looked Changmin straight into his eyes.

"How could I not recognize you."

"…"

"Right, Director?"

One corner of Yunho's lips lifted up, and with a short, light bow, Yunho left the bathroom, his shoulder bumping into Changmin's on his way out. The expression on Changmin's face in the mirror hardened. It was obvious that Changmin was troubled, and also through his quick steps, it was obvious that he was also somewhat angry.

Yunho pushed the elevator door button roughly again and again until the door closed. But before it could, a hand pushed through the doors and they opened again slowly. It was Changmin who got on the elevator with him.

The stupidly tall hotel building was annoying to Yunho today. He hated every corner of everything in this place, but the thing he hated the most was the shameless man standing next to him. The misery and agony of the past seeped through, and made him feel like shit again. He remembered his old, stupid self, begging in the mud and rainwater. Changmin was the first to break the deafening silence.

"I went back to the house."

"…"

"I think I regretted it," said Changmin, looking at Yunho, who was only looking in front of him. To Yunho, who had grown up and was the same height as he was now.

"You know that I'm a son of a bitch, right?"

"…"

"And that I'm selfish."

Yunho couldn't even stand the fact that Changmin was shameless enough to call himself selfish first. So what exactly did that man want from me.

"I'm glad you know that."

"So I'm sure you know what I'm going to say now," said Changmin.

Yunho didn't understand what he was trying to say. This was what he had to say to someone that he saw for the first time in seven years. Yunho shook his head and with another empty laughter, spoke.

"Just say whatever it is you want. I'm getting tired."

"I won't make the same mistake anymore."

"Mistake. I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"The mistake of letting you go."

Just how shameless could a man be? Yunho was almost awed that he thought that he could undo the whole thing by calling the whole thing one word. What nonsense was he saying, that he's going to try to make up for it now? Was he insane?

Empty laughter was all that came out of Yunho's mouth. Yunho left the elevator without looking back as soon as the elevator door opened. He crossed the lobby and tried to find the car, but it wasn't there. He started to dial the driver annoyedly, but someone grabbed his arm from behind. Yunho ripped the hand away fiercely.

" _Let go…!_ "

"Jung Yunho."

"Don't say my name."

"I remember everything you told me seven years ago."

"So what?"

"I thought about it again, and again."

"…"

"I'm going to take you again."

Yunho's eyes settled coldly, like sharp razor blades.

_Nothing is different. You're still the same. You're still the same, even though everything about me has changed because of you._

Yunho leaned in close to Changmin's ear and spoke in a low whisper.

"You can't have me anymore."

 

 

Changshik watched silently as Yunho drank down glass after glass. The fact that he was drinking down the strong liquor with an expression like he's swallowing razor blades meant that something really bad must have happened.

"I saw a crazy son of a bitch."

_He pulled me off and trampled on me as if I was a leech, and suddenly he started acting like a crazy bastard. He's the dirtiest person I've ever seen in my life. That easy expression on his face – it makes me feel like shit and angry. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I can't forget the day he threw me away, no matter how hard I try. After that day, I threw away everything in my heart. Even the deep emotions that ended up becoming trash that became impossible to take out._

 

 

"This is bullshit."

The reason why the other host asking, "Do you know him?", was so on edge was because of Shim Changmin. That Hanshin Group's Shim Changmin was here at Deep. He was here alone, at that, with the instruction to bring Jung Yunho to him.

"If Kim Sunghyun finds out, you're going to die."

"Director Shim tied up the place."

It meant that he bought the whole place for the night. It was quite common for people to do that – but never someone who was there alone. And it was likely never going to happen again.

"You don't have a date with President Kim today anyway. When he made the deal in the first place, he made it for you. You're probably going to faint if you heard how much he paid to tie up the place."

It was about the money after all. No matter how much Changshik pretended to care and worry for him, in the end, Yunho was money too – but he wasn't hurt. This was what it was about anyway. He couldn't afford to be hurt.

"This is no way to run a business, madam."

But Changshik must have been sorry, because he couldn't look Yunho in the eye.

"I'm saying this because I'm worried. You're going to be in big trouble one day if you keep doing this."

Yunho chewed on his lower lip before hitting Changshik's shoulder with his own and walking towards the room.

The two of them sat on opposite sides of the wide room. Not a single word was exchanged between the two of them. They didn't even blink, as if they were studying each other. An invisible string was being pulled taut between them.

"I guess this is how you show off how rich you are, Director."

"I told you. I'm going to take you."

"Throw me away when you want, and take me when you want?"

"I thought I told you that I regretted that."

"So. So what am I supposed to do if you regret it?"

"You don't have to do anything. I'm just going to take you in my own way."

Yunho, who had been maintaining his composure reasonably well, was starting to be shaken. He hated how selfish he was in wanting to get everything he wanted, and the lazy way he was doing it. Yunho snapped his fingers as if he just understood something.

"Ah – but it's too bad. You don't have sex with cheap human beings like me, director."

"…"

"I became even dirtier than before."

Changmin's eyebrows furrowed.

"There's really no difference between selling my body at a cheap sex bar or an expensive host bar, it's the same thing. And –"

Yunho spoke after putting his elbow on the granite tabletop and touching his lips with his fingertips.

"Even if other people buy me with money, I will never take yours."

"…"

"Because I'm at a place now where I can filter out disgusting customers."

Yunho got up to leave the room and had his hand on the door handle, but he was taken off guard ad he was forcibly turned around and pushed against the wall. When his two wrists were held against the wall as well, he started to struggle. Although they fought, pushing and pulling for quite a while, but the one that got pushed back in the end was Yunho. Yunho was breathing hard.

"What do you think you're doing? Get your hands off me."

Changmin's eyes, that had been calm the entire time, became rough. They glared at each other as though looks could kill.

"Behave. All I have to do is buy you."

" _Buy me_? You think you can buy me? Weren't you the one who threw me away after becoming scared of being taken over by stupid emotions and losing what you had?! You might have thrown me away and kept everything else, but that wasn't the case for me. Because that was my everything. That's the difference between you and me. That shitty difference is the reason why you think I'm easy."

"…"

"Deep emotions end up becoming trash that becomes impossible to clean, and it takes a long time to take it all out. I shouldn't do anything that I'm going to end up regretting. Especially with someone like you."

[Deep emotions end up becoming trash that becomes impossible to clean, and it takes a long time to take it all out.  I won't do anything that I'm going to end up regretting. Especially with someone like you.]

Yunho's angry voice calmed in an instant, and he made a face as though he was looking at something impossibly pitiful and pathetic.

"I'm living exactly the way you taught me, Director, so why are you being like this? How boring."

" _Jung Yunho_ –"

"That selfishness of yours, to want to make everything go your way, doesn't work with me anymore. So stop being so rude like this. It's crass."

Yunho finally pushed Changmin off and left the room.

A crystal glass flew across the room into the wall, and with the sound of the glass breaking, the sound of Changmin's rough breaths filled the room.

Neither of them knew – that the soft, delicate love that was rejected as soon as it was born would become uncontrollably cruel.

_I'm going to do anything and everything. If only I can have you in my arms again._


	6. Chapter 6

Yunho served the number of men who Kim Sunghyun gave under-the-table money to until the early hours of the morning, and as soon as they disappeared from sight in their cars, he ran into the alleyway with his hand over his mouth and vomited all of the whiskey that he'd been forced to drink. He was having a particularly hard day today. Kim Sunghyun had the awful fetish of having well-built men be completely out of it, then lay them out under him.

There wasn't even anything more to throw up in his stomach, but he kept retching. He felt like he was going to vomit his guts out. He felt his throat close up, and his stomach heaved again and again. He let out a breath that was painful to even listen to. As soon as he put his guard down, he became dizzy. Everything around him was spinning, and nothing came to his head. He was just so dizzy, and so sick, and so tired…

"I'm so sick of this..." whispered Yunho with his hand on the brick wall to steady himself. Just as his knees, shaking unsteadily, buckled, someone supported him by his shoulders, and his staggering figure was held up stably. He tried to look at who it was that was holding him up, but his eyes kept closing. Only the dark blue hue of the early morning sky came through his half-closed eyes.

"Is this how you lived all these years?" said a voice that was more breath than voice.

Yunho frowned, and stumbling, looked straight at him and tilted his head.

"I'm so… sick of this…"

And with that, Yunho fell into Changmin's arms.

 

 

Changmin put Yunho to bed and loosened his tie that had been choking him. It wasn't an easy feat, trying to support someone who was as drunk as Yunho as. He put Yunho out of his jacket that looked uncomfortable and undid a couple of his shirt buttons. As soon as he did, he saw marks on his skin that he thought he knew where they were from, and Changmin clutched Yunho's shirt with his shaking hand.

He'd watched all of it – the way Yunho bowed as he opened the doors of those luxury sedans, the way he came out from time to time to smoke his cigarettes while sighing with every breath, and the way he would run back on unsteady feet to throw up the whiskey that he'd been drinking. It all made Changmin angry. He even felt guilt, wondering if he was the one that made Yunho this way. _My selfishness is probably too much to bear for you, then and now. But I'm so angry, I can't stand it. I'm so angry that you keep pushing me away._ Changmin wasn't able to control this foreign emotion.

"Would we be able to start over… if I pull you up from that place once more…?"

Yunho opened his eyes slowly as Changmin's voice echoed into the quiet room. He blinked slowly, covering and uncovering his unfocused eyes with his eyelids.

"It's no use…"

Yunho pulled up his arm and grasped his chest. It was as if the shirt, bunched into his hand, symbolized how hurt he was.

"There's nothing left here anymore… I threw it all away…"

The hand clasped around his shirt loosened and fell to his side, and his eyes fell closed, along with a hot breath.

 

 

His peaceful dream subconsciously started to become distressing, and he opened his eyes. Where was he? He held his breath and only moving his eyes, looked around him.

It felt strange. It was an anxiety that came from familiarity.

His heart started to beat out of his chest and he couldn't breathe anymore.

Yunho sat up slowly, and it was only when he saw the old cell phone on the bedside table that he realized where he was.

It was the place that he left seven years ago, dressed in black, wiping tears from his eyes.

Why was he back here?

He climbed down from the bed, grabbed his jacket which was hung over the chair, and came out of the room. The one that stopped him from leaving the place was Changmin.

"Sit. I'm warming up some instant broth. I don't really know how to do stuff like this."

Yunho let out short laughter of disbelief and crossed the kitchen without hesitation towards the door, but he was stopped again by Changmin. Yunho's face was blushed red with anger already.

"Let go."

Changmin's eyes were settled calmly as he pulled Yunho closer so that they were looking into each other's eyes.

"I won't say anything. Go after having the broth."

Yunho sat at the familiar table, where Changmin always used to sit. He looked down at his steaming bowl of soup. He was uncomfortable and annoyed at the hospitality that didn't suit Changmin. It was so, so aggravating. It was much, much too late. What did he think he could do at this point?

"Why am I here? And why is this house still here?"

"I went to go see you. I brought you back because you were so drunk, you couldn't even stand. I just wanted to keep the house as it was."

Everything was still the same after seven years – the cell phone, the backpack he had used for school, the clothes hanging on the hangers in the closet. The reason why he wanted to keep it was because he just wanted to? Did he even know what those words meant?

"I'm going to say this for the last time. Stop this. Stop coming to see me. Why are you doing this? Not happy to see your old toy being played with by someone else now?"

"Don't say that. It's not like that."

"What is it then."

"…Have the soup."

Changmin's eyes seemed to shake as Yunho got up from the table.

"I'm leaving."

"I'm not trying to be greedy."

"…"

"I… I lived all those years in regret of the fact that I found out too late. I…"

Yunho cut him off, a sneer mixed into his voice.

"Director. Do you know what the most stupid thing you can do in the world is?"

[Do you know what the most stupid thing you can do in the world is?]

"It's what you're trying to do now."

[What you're trying to do now.]

"The greed that now that you have everything else, you want the last thing that's left."

[The greed that now that you have everything else, you want the last thing that's left.]

"The useless thing that you tried so hard not to acknowledge – you're trying to do it now, Director."

His past self, now coming out of Jung Yunho's mouth, was so very cold. _It was probably even more painful for you when you felt this awful feeling seven years ago._ Changmin got up from his chair and looked Yunho in the eyes. Their eyes, neither willing to bend for the other, clashed painfully.

"I can't ask you to forgive me for hurting you. No, I'm not even going to. But I'm going to take responsibility for the pain I gave you."

"Let's stop there. Don't you think we'll become too ridiculous if we go past this?"

Yunho turned and walked to the front door without looking back. He heard Changmin's warning, but he didn't stop.

"I'm not going to give you up. I don't care if it's selfish of me. My personality won't change so easily."

"Do whatever you want."

The sound of the front door slamming rammed into Changmin's chest.

Changmin put his head down and started to laugh.

_You're right. We'll become too ridiculous if we go past this. But I can't stop. I feel like I'm going to crazy._

_Or maybe I'm crazy already._

Yunho and Kim Sunghyun were kissing when the door burst open, and Yunho looked up in shock. He was absolutely appalled at the fact that Shim Changmin walked through the door. Kim Sunghyun started shouting, asking what Changmin thought he was doing, and Yunho blocked Changmin's path.

"What do you think you're doing? Are you insane?!"

"You told me to do whatever I want. And you're the one that's insane. The fact that you're talking to me with those lips with that old man's disgusting saliva all over them."

"What…?" said Kim Sunghyun, getting up from the couch, face flushed with rage, and started screaming.

"What is this!! Bring me the madam!! This dirty whore was two-timing, was it?"

Changmin pushed Yunho aside and walked up to Kim Sunghyun. It was awful. His hands were shaking, knowing the waves that this awful situation would cause. Yunho got between them again quickly, and he spoke to the president.

"I'm so sorry, sir, it's not what you think –"

Yunho was pushed aside again by Changmin. The president took backward steps, trying to avoid Changmin coming towards him slowly. Changmin's razor-sharp eyes alone made him cower.

"Shim, what are you doing, huh?"

"I'm taking the boy."

"What…? I guess you don't get it, but I bought him with my own –"

"I'm not going to say it again."

"If you act like this, all the kids here are going to be sitting out on the streets! There are rules here too!"

"Rules… interesting. But I'm afraid you'll be the one sitting out on the streets."

Kim Sunghyun started to shout at Changmin's arrogance. Changmin touched his ear as though he didn't want to listen to this anymore, and started to phone someone. Kim Sunghyun's eyes faltered.

"Hand over the evidence of corruption and slush funds for Kangseon Bank's Park Sunghyun to prosecutors. Oh, and this is a bit dirty, but also lump the tax evasion with it."

"Shim. What do you think you're doing."

Changmin hung up, and while reaching forward to arrange Kim Sunghyun's loose clothing, spoke in a soft voice that didn't match the situation.

"Your mistake was catching my eye. Especially the fact that you were taking him around. I did a bit of research and you were exchanging dirty money with someone else I'm not too fond of, either. It's a good thing for me, killing two birds with one stone. Just stay in there for a bit. For someone of your level, you shouldn't have that bad of a time in jail, right?"

Changmin turned his back on Kim Sunghyun, who was shaking with rage, and he started to drag Yunho out of the room.

 

 

It was a proper disaster. Changshik didn't stop Changmin as he dragged Yunho through the hall with his shirt in his hand. The madam should have been having security stop him,  but he was just watching as if it was an interesting movie.

"Madam, shouldn't you be stopping those two…? How about president Kim?"

"He's over."

"Pardon? What do you mean?"

"Jung Yunho belongs Shim Changmin now."

 

 

Is this what it meant to fight until they lost their minds? The two of them were screaming at each other, with veins popping out of their necks. Although they weren't swinging fists at each other, it was brutal, hurtful, and dismal. The emotion called regret that was muddied with blame and resentment entangled on themselves, and were becoming unsalvageable.

"What do you want from me? You did whatever you want seven years ago, and still now, you're exactly the same! Do you know how angry that makes me?! You dumped me, Jiyool died, and I stayed alive because of the resentment and anger from that!!! How can you be so shameless in front of my face? Do I look like a fool? Do you think I'm your dog? To come when you want, and screw off when you want?!!"

"…"

"At least I was honest with you and told you that I loved you. So stop pretending that you realized something after suddenly coming back into my life. You've never even been honest with your emotions…!"

"You never gave me a chance to explain!" shouted Changmin angrily. He started to show all of the emotions that he had hidden away in his chest. "I only realized it after I let you go like that! Yes, I know that I'm too late. My loneliness, emptiness, yearning, all of it!!!"

Changmin let out a sigh and closed his eyes. He put his hand on his forehead and collected himself and spoke carefully.

"That it was an emotion I could have because I loved you… the fact that I loved you. And the fact that I still can't give you up, and I want you, and I love you."

"Love…"

"Yes. Love."

It started to feel cold as soon as the word 'love' came out of Changmin's mouth – as if it was  river that froze over in an instant. Something crumbled down in his chest. He said love. He said he loved me. Love, that he begged for and cried for and clung on for. It felt empty that he was pulling out the word only now. His heart, filled with anger and resentment, felt so empty.

_Did I make myself so pathetic just to hear that one word? What use is the word now, when I can't believe anything I hear? Love is just another word that doesn't mean anything to me anymore._

"I can't give that to you."

"…"

"Don't expect things like that from me."

_Yes, it's finally your turn. I'll give the feeling of hopelessness right back to you. It's your turn to endure the ridiculous sight of your precious emotion thrown and trampled in the mud._

Yunho started to walk towards him, unbuttoning his shirt.

"But I'll have sex with you. I can give you that."

"Jung Yunho – are you really trying to make me go crazy?"

It was already over anyway. Yunho wanted to make him angry. He wanted to make him crazy, so that he couldn't even hold an ounce of hope anymore. Yunho finished taking off his shirt with no expression on his face and reached for Changmin's buckle.

"Love, that's no fun. It doesn't even mean anything. I think this will be much more fun."

"…"

"Isn't the bottom line that you want to fuck me? Don't waste your energy, I'll just let you. Seems like you and the madam worked it out already, seeing as he's quiet. How much did you buy me for? I'm curious how much I'm worth."

"…If you don't stop, I swear to God –"

The corner of Yunho's mouth raised into an arc, and the sharp words that came out of his mouth destroyed Changmin.

"The only things that can go between me and you are sex and money. That's it."

The anger that he'd been bottling up exploded, and he understood what going crazy meant.

 

 

The legs of the table scratching the marble floor loudly were as unstable as they were. He felt like he was going to go crazy. His coldness, the marks left here and there on his back, and the familiar way he was letting him take his body.

He just moved according to instinct. He ran his hand along the canal of his back, and fucked as if he were an animal. He wanted to make him open his mouth, which had been firmly closed, not making a single sound.

_Stop acting like you're so frozen. Stop acting like I'm one of your many customers._

Changmin reached for Yunho's cock, but Yunho stopped him and straightened up. He pushed Changmin onto the couch. He spread his muscular thighs and climbed on top of Changmin. He held Changmin's length with one hand and lined himself up before sinking down slowly, his head thrown back. When his length was fully inserted through the narrow crack, his sweaty upper body started moving easily, and he started to move his pelvis and waist expertly. Changmin grabbed hold of Yunho's hips and started to thrust.

The feeling of deep penetration made Yunho's whole body shake and he wanted to scream, but he stopped himself, clenching his teeth down. He couldn't keep his balance with Changmin thrusting hard and fast without end, so he had to reach out and grab his shoulder. Although hot and rough breaths filled the room, ironically, the eyes looking into each other's were ice cold. They looked into each other's eyes without even blinking, as if they were fighting. There were no kisses, no caresses, no connection.

Am I having sex with you, or your body? What is this miserable feeling that I'm watching you slip away even though I have you?

He laid Yunho down and slung Yunho's legs over his shoulders. Changmin pushed inside again and set a brutal rhythm. Yunho began to shake, chills appearing on his abdomen.

"Hnng…"

A small, suppressed moan escaped through Yunho's red lips, and hearing that, Changmin thrust faster. It felt like his cock was going to pierce through his heart. Whenever he pushed in, Yunho's eyelashes quivered and his mouth opened. Changmin watched all of it, etching the image into his head, and started to push harder. Yunho clenched, trying to stop the merciless thrusting, but Changmin didn't stop and thrust even more cruelly. The sound of skin on skin hit harshly on their ears.

Changmin lifted Yunho's legs higher and embraced Yunho deeply. Changmin trapped Yunho closely under him and breathed hard, knowing that he was reaching his climax. Changmin pushed in deep one more time while holding Yunho down, and let out a moan of his own.

Feeling the afterwave of orgasm, he steadied his breaths. Eventually, he pulled his cock out of Yunho's reddened hole.

"…You shouldn't come inside."

Yunho sat up, and Changmin's cum and slid down the inside of his thigh. Yunho pulled out a few tissues and wiped it off indifferently. He spoke while pulling his clothes back on.

"We're actually not supposed to fuck in the rooms. You need to book a hotel next time. I'm going to check out how much you paid, then decide how many sessions you've paid for."

Hopelessness and humiliation engulfed Changmin.

"If you'll excuse me. I need to get cleaned up, as you can see."

 

 

Changmin stopped the car on the side of the road and slammed his fists down on the car handle.

" _Why!_ "

Sobs escaped through his clenched teeth, mixed into his breath.

What have I just done…? All I did was take your body, have paid for your service… nothing has changed. My feelings for you have changed so much, but in the end, it's exactly the same as before.

He was miserable. But knowing that the misery was his punishment, it felt even more horrible.

Tears fell from Changmin's eyes. _What do I do? I'm so thirsty or you. My thirst for you is expanding more than I can cope with. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I want you. I want your heart, not your body. Love has become a sweet lie for you, but it's become a painful truth for me._

_It hurts… My heart hurts so much._

_Does it hurt?_

_Since that day seven years ago until now, I lived every single day in the void that the hurt brought me._

 


	7. Chapter 7

"Leave. That's what we agreed on."

This must have been what it meant for him to add insult to injury. Yunho had planned to toy with him for a month or two, then have him throw his own emotions into the trash. He had never expected that he would completely tie things off.

Yunho watched Changshik in disbelief. "Without even asking me?"

Changshik continued, avoiding Yunho's eyes. "It looked like you and Director Shim knew each other already. He called five times your highest price. It's crazy, his offer."

"I know I've been sold here and there, but don't you think it would have been common courtesy for you to ask my opinion?"

"Courtesy, since when was that important between us? Every other guy here wants to get themselves a permanent sponsor and stop working here. If you run… I have to have the guys bring you back. I hope it doesn't come to that."

Yunho ran his hand through his hair in frustration and stood.

"Nothing bad can come out of this. Even if he dumps you halfway, you can still make it out of there with more than enough to feed yourself for the rest of your life."

Yunho let out a long sigh.

"Keep in touch," said Changshik.

"Bye."

In front of the shop, Changmin's assistant was waiting. He couldn't help but let out a sigh. The assistant gave him a light bow of his head and opened the car for him.

"Where are we going?"

"You're going where you used to stay before."

It was so very bright outside. He hadn't seen outside in such bright daylight in so long. Since he worked at nights, naturally, his days and nights had reversed. It was torture itself that he was even awake at this hour. Although, he was sure, the time that to come would also be torturous.

 

 

Changmin smelled Yunho's strong perfume as soon as he stepped into the house. He had to hesitate at the door, not able to go inside right away. It was because he had no idea how he was going to change. Maybe Changmin will get angry, or obsessive – or maybe he will become sad or upset or devastated like this, looking at Yunho's old things thrown carelessly into a box like this. He was afraid of his unfamiliar self, being uncertain in the chaos of a thousand emotions.

When he opened the door, he saw Yunho sleeping on his side, still in his clothes. A hot sigh left Changmin's lips. A sigh of relief, perhaps. A sigh of relief that he has finally brought he boy into my side. Carefully so that the bed didn't shake, Changmin laid down behind Yunho's back. He saw Yunho's back rise and fall with every breath, and he knew that Yunho was sound asleep.

I may be facing your back now, but one day, we will be facing each other. I know it won't be easy. I know that it will hurt, but I have faith. I have faith that I will love you, and that you will love me back.

Changmin moved a little closer to Yunho, buried his face in the back of Yunho's neck and closed his eyes.

 

 

Yunho opened his eyes when he felt the tickle on his neck. How long did he sleep? He raised his head to look at the clock, but when he felt the arm around his waist, his heart dropped.  The calm breaths that he could feel behind his neck, and his scent. Yunho put his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes. For a very short while, Yunho let himself feel the warmth. It was a very, very short while.

"…Are you awake?"

Yunho didn't answer and climbed down from the bed instead. He started to undress. It had been uncomfortable, sleeping in his daytime clothes. He raised his hands to start unbuttoning his shirt, but Changmin's hands got to the buttons first. Yunho watched dryly as the buttons became undone one by one.

"What are you doing."

"I just, want to do it for you."

The shirt fell smoothly past his shoulders and arms, and Changmin hung up the shirt on the hanger. He A bigger, more comfortable shirt was put over Yunho's shoulders.

"It's fine. I can do it myself –"

"I'm going to do it."

"…"

"I'm going to do it for you."

Yunho watched, unimpressed, as Changmin put the shirt over him and buttoned it up for him as if he were a kid.

"Let's have dinner. I've asked the maid to make it."

Yunho felt uneasy as he watched Changmin walk out of the room.

There were so many dishes laid out over the table. Since Yunho's days and nights had switched, it had been a while since he'd eaten properly, or since he even saw such a big meal. He'd always eaten whatever he could find and drank.

"You're too thin. You're too thin for your height."

"It's better this way. The customers don't like it."

Changmin's face seemed to harden for a bit, but he calmed soon and picked up his utensils.

"You don't have to worry about things like that anymore. So tell me if there's anything you want to eat."

The two of them just ate, without exchanging a single word. Besides Changmin's gaze looking at Yunho once in a while, it was completely quiet. When he finished half of his bowl of rice, Yunho put his utensils down.

"Why aren't you finishing your food?"

"I'm full."

"You've barely eaten anything. Eat m…"

"Director… let's not drag it out like this. We don't need to go through the whole process of holding hands, kissing, having sex – just do it whenever you want. You bought my body, Director."

Is this what it meant for you to lose your appetite?

"I'm not going to."

"So why did you come get me?" said Yunho, anger pushed down in his voice. "Why did you buy me? You should get what you paid for."

"So I can make you into a normal Jung Yunho."

Yunho felt his breath catch. It was like his brain circuit, on edge to hurt him as much as possible, suddenly stopped in its tracks. The words he said then, in this house.

"So I can make you into a normal 25-year-old Jung Yunho, who wakes up in the morning, goes to work, goes out for a date in the evening, and talks and laughs with someone he loves."

"…"

"When all the hurt that I've given you is gone, that's when I'm going to have sex with you."

"…"

"Because as I said, this is love. I'm going to start over."

Changmin got up slowly from his chair and put his hand on Yunho's shoulder, who was frozen and staring off into space.

"It doesn't matter how hurtful you are to me. I don't even have the right to get hurt. But you're not like that. You're hurting yourself with the words you say, and the things you do. I can see it."

"…"

"Just yell at me, or hit me. Or cry."

"…You don't like to hear people cry."

I did a lot of shitty things, didn't I. I was a real piece of shit.

"Cry. I'll comfort you."

Yunho's eyes closed heavily, and Changmin's hand smoothed the top of Yunho's hair. The love that he didn't believe in anymore, the love that was like a dream, and a fog, appeared again before his eyes and pounded at his cold heart. When Yunho opened his eyes again, they were red. He pushed the hand away and got up.

"Stop this."

"Jung Yunho…!"

When he grabbed onto Yunho's arm, a harsh hand flew across the air and connected to the side of Changmin's cheek. Yunho's voice was low.

"It won't be enough to just hit you and cry. I want to kill you, you know that…?"

"…"

"Don't force love on me. Let's live in our own places. I'm your sex partner, and you're my source of money."

"And you can do that?"

His eyes shook.

"You couldn't do it. That's why our relationship became like that seven years ago."

"So we were all wrong from the beginning."

Out of nowhere, Changmin embraced Yunho. The more Yunho struggled to get out of his grip, the tighter he embraced. Changmin buried his face into Yunho's shoulder and didn't let go.

"I love you…"

The words that he said with no context pierced through his heart.

"I love you, Yunho."

Why did he become so weak at the word 'love' being said in his voice? This was cheating. Yunho pushed Changmin off, picked up a glass from the table and threw it across the room. However, Changmin shook Yunho again with his unchanging voice.

"I still love you. That's all I can say."

Yunho backed into his room and locked the door.

He felt like he was going to faint from breathing so hard. He was so dizzy. He began to pound his own chest for beating so hard, and he slid down the door and fell onto the floor.

He began to sob.

No matter how hard he beat his chest, his heart wouldn't stop.

 

 

How much time had passed? Was it a deep early morning? Changmin, who sat, leaning against Yunho's door, blinked slowly. A monologue of confession flowed out of his mouth.

"I was so stupid and I regretted all the days I spent with my heart shut tight. I especially regretted letting you go like that. It took me a long time to even realize what that emotion was. I know that going forward, it's not going to be any easier. But… But I want to live loving you. I don't want to let go of you again. I… "

The door opened, and Changmin stood up hurriedly. Yunho's eyes looked so tired. He looked like a dried-up rose that would crumble with a single touch.

"I hate that I'm still being so swayed by you."

"…"

"I also hate that you came back to me so late…"

"I'm sorry, Yunho."

Tears began to fall from Yunho's eyes. He pushed away Changmin, who had stepped closer to wipe his tears for him.

"Also that you're only now saying my name…"

"…"

"I also hate that I promised myself that I'd push you away, make you hurt, and make you tired, but that I'm being so easily swayed like this…"

The tears, falling from the tip of his chin, were so sorrowful. The trembling lips showed just how upset and distressed he was. Changmin pulled Yunho into an embrace.

"I'm sorry, Yunho. I'm so sorry for being so late. I'm so sorry that I didn't grow a single inch while you grew up so much."

"Why… Why were you so…"

The sobs finally pushed out of Yunho's lips, and Changmin ran his hand down Yunho's back slowly. He thought a lot about Yunho had changed. But maybe, the blood cells hiding behind his frozen heart were waiting for the day that they be melted.

"I love you, Yunho."

Just hoping for someone to tell him that all that is sweet in the world is not a lie, but the truth.

The eyes looking at each other were finally of the same temperature, and even that small thing came as such a glorious miracle. They were finally the same warmth, and the same heart. It was thrilling, putting their lips together. It was their first kiss in seven years. They had gone around and around and were back at the beginning. They carefully felt each other's lips, and breathing in another hot breath, kissed deeper. It was a genuine kiss that made the countless nights they spent with other people embarrassing.

Changmin separated from the kiss and softly tilted up Yunho's chin.

"What's wrong… hmm?"

"I'm just… I'm just so…"

"Shh… Don't cry. I know what you're thinking." Changmin stroked Yunho's cheek and lifted up Yunho's head again.

"All of that's fine. We're starting anew from now on, okay?"

The sweet voice embraced Yunho quietly.

He hoped not to awaken from this dream that had only just begun. He hoped for all of the shadows to disappear.

 

 

The love that they were learning was as precious as it was new, and as careful as it had been hurtful. To see each other's face after they opened their eyes was always heart-fluttering.  Yunho brushed away the hair gently from Changmin's eyes. Although he tried to reverse his day-night schedule back to normal, he couldn't help his eyes from opening on their own in the early mornings.

Changmin didn't come every day, but he came regularly, at least three times a week. For someone so busy, and _married_ , to come to sleep with him three times a week took a lot of effort. So that's why every single moment together was so much more precious.

"…Did you wake up again?" said Changmin in a deep voice, having just awakened. He still had his eyes closed, but he squeezed Yunho's hand.

"I know."

Changmin brushed his hair back and blinked, yawning. "What time is it?"

"Four."

"My god. We could have slept for another two hours."

"Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up."

"I don't want to," said Changmin after running his hand over his face.

"Why not, sleep a bit more."

"We could use the time better."

Yunho laughed. He laughed, because he liked that they were thinking the same things.

"I think I can stay with you all day today."

"I'd like that."

"I have no more work. And my assistant told my wife that I'm away on a business trip."

It was nice, but also, it felt a bit better. That he had someone else to call his wife – in a way, he felt bad for Changmin, but honestly, he also felt jealous. But what could he really do.

"Then... what would you want to do?" asked Yunho.

"Hmm… Have sex?"

The mischievous laughter warmed the entire bedroom.

"I was thinking the same thing."

Were the lips that they brought together, swallowing their hot breaths, really something to be so happy over? The smile never laughed their faces. Soon, the smiles turned into hot sighs, and into low moans. They faced each other, on their sides, their bodies together with no space between them. Their long legs were tangled to each other's, and their skin brushed against each other's. With their hands on each other's backs, their low moans as they brushed against each other made Changmin aroused.

"I love you…"

"I love you too…"

But no moan was as arousing as those words.

 

 

A strong, musky smell came from Yunho as he dried his wet hair with the towel.

"Do you use the same line?" asked Changmin.

"The same line…?"

"For… body wash, body lotion, perfume…"

"Ahh. Yes."

That's why the scent lingered. The strong image that he had of Yunho was of the scent of his perfume. So strong, almost too much so – but not unpleasant; in fact, he felt like he would become addicted to the smell. Was it possible because it was coming from him…? Soon, the strong, stinging smell became warm.

"It suits you well."

"Does it?"

Changmin climbed off the bed and stood behind Yunho.

"Sit. I'll dry your hair."

He started to dry Yunho's hair lightly. Yunho's face, with his eyes closed, was so neat. If the perfectly coiffed hair, fancy suit, sparkling earring, and the unstable air around him had clouded him, now, he just seemed like a normal guy. He looked better. The face that was neat, clear – and free from the shadows. The real Jung Yunho.

When the hand that had been toweling his hair stopped, Yunho opened his eyes. Through the mirror, they met each other's gaze. His questioning eyes were so young. Twenty-five. A young and lively age.

"Yunho."

"Yeah?"

"Is there anything you'd like to do?"

"Why, does it feel a burdensome to think that you're going to have to feed me for the rest of my life?" said Yunho mischievously, but Changmin turned Yunho's shoulders around so that they were facing each other.

"Think about it. What you'd like to do, what you'd like to try."

Yunho thought for a while, then the corners of his lips lifted.

"I have something I want to do."

"What is it?"

"Going grocery shopping with you."

Changmin sighed. "Stop joking around."

The eyes that met Changmin's were genuine though.

"Seriously…? I've never gone grocery shopping before."

"Let's try it today. Let's go shopping, and cook. We can ask the maid to take a rest today."

"Something else."

"No, I want this."

Changmin had never set foot inside a grocery store before. It was a bit weird, and he didn't really want to.

"It's my wish."

"Okay."

 

 

It was a pretty good feeling, grocery shopping. That they were walking side by side, pushing the cart, between other married couples. It felt like they were showing off that they were dating, that they were in love. Yunho didn't walk by the samples without trying them. Although Changmin tried to refuse them at first, with Yunho's persistence, Changmin was also busy chewing. It wasn't clear whether Yunho wanted to come here to shop, or to eat.

"Isn't it good?" asked Yunho.

"It is."

"That's why you come shopping. For the samples."

"You come shopping for the samples? No way. You could just buy…" Yunho pushed Changmin lightly, pulling a face as if Changmin was an old man behind on the times.

"Why are you looking at me like that? It's true."

"Whatever. Let's go to the fruits section."

Changmin followed Yunho, scratching the back of his neck. After shopping for a while, bickering about what to buy, they loaded everything in the trunk.

"I'm just going to run to the bathroom."

"Sure, I'll be here," replied Yunho.

Changmin was walking back to the parking lot from the bathroom when he saw Yunho talking to another man. Who was it… did they know each other already? Changmin quickened his steps, then he stopped dead in his tracks; Yunho had hugged the other man. It wasn't a light hug; they hugged tightly, they shook hands, and they even exchanged numbers – and then Yunho watched him as he walked away.

After a while, Changmin climbed into the car and while putting on his seat built, he asked as if he didn't care, "Who was that?"

"Hmm?"

Was it something that Changmin wasn't supposed to see? Yunho's eyes widened and his voice asking, "Oh… did you see…?" got on Changmin's nerves. Changmin felt like pushing Yunho right now would look childish, so he started the car and started moving. As he turned a corner, tires screeching, his face was hardened.

"You're not going to tell me? Who it was?"

"He's just someone I know."

"Just someone you know…"

Why did it become so uncomfortable suddenly? The air inside the car was stuffy. It wasn't a hard question, all he asked was who that was, and Yunho was just looking out the window. Do you hug someone that you 'just know' so tightly?

Changmin was annoyed at himself, for being so angry about it so childishly. But he couldn't help but feel annoyed. Until they'd put away all the groceries, he didn't say a word. Yunho chewed his bottom lip, looking warily at Changmin.

"I don't like this," declared Changmin.

"…"

"Is it so hard to just tell me who that guy was? Why are you acting like you've done something wrong?" asked Changmin in a voice that was a bit angry, but also soothing.

"I told you, he's just a guy I know."

"So why won't you tell me how you know him?"

"…Because I'm embarrassed."

"What?"

It was not an answer that Changmin was expecting.

"Because I'm embarrassed to say who he is."

"What would you be embarrassed about?"

"If it were my friend from school, my colleague from work, whatever… if I could have said that, I would have. But he's not. He's a host who used to work at the same gay bar as I did. He really took care of me when I was in a bad place."

"Oh…"

"It didn't matter to me before, but I think I'm embarrassed to say things like that to you now," said Yunho with a dry chuckle, and Changmin embraced him. I see, that's why. It was stupid how quickly Changmin's heart melted."

"I think I got jealous."

"Huh…?"

"He hugged you, and I got mad."

"What are you – this doesn't suit you."

"Don't be embarrassed. I get it. But don't hug other people like that."

"Why should I listen to you?"

"I'm getting jealous. I might get mad."

"Okay, okay."

"Kiss me."

Yunho laughed. What, this really doesn't suit you -, he said, and the corners of his mouth rose. I don't know, I think it's because of you. This is weird to me, too. If my assistant saw this, he might get disgusted and quit. Changmin shook his head like even the thought of that was too much.

"If he quits, I'll be your assistant."

"Really? Then I'll have to tell him to quit right away."

"But you won't be able to work if I'm your assistant."

"Why not?"

"Why do you think?" said Yunho with a short kiss on Changmin's lips. A shiver ran down Changmin's spine as Yunho's hands undid his buckle.

"I don't know," said Changmin with a mischievous smile.

"I guess I'll have to show you then."

Yunho pushed Changmin against the table and undid his zipper slowly. Was the sound of a zipper always this erotic?

"Wow."

"I'm going to start now."

The lips that came together hurriedly were hot.


	8. Chapter 8

Every day was a good day.

Watching over the café being renovated exactly the way he wanted it, Yunho's body was tired, but his mind was more peaceful and happier than ever.

"It's going to be an open kitchen, so we're only going to be doing black and white, right? I've explained that earlier."

While explaining to the workers what he wanted, his phone rang.

"Please leave that space empty. I'm going to put something there later… hello?"

[Sounds like you're busy.]

A smile appeared on Yunho's face. It had been cold recently, but maybe it was warmer today; the warm sunshine was nice. He came out of the café and felt the sunshine on his face.

"Not as busy as you."

[Maybe.]

"I'm going to forget what you look like, I haven't seen you in so long."

[Not me. I see your face in my head all the time, as if you're right here.]

"Such a smooth talker."

Just as Yunho decided to open a café and started with the construction, Changmin got busy with work as well. They barely even had time to talk over the phone, as if they were being punished for all the time that they'd spent together.

"You must be tired," said Yunho.

[This is normal for me. It's fine.]

"Are you eating all your meals?"

[Not really.]

"A chaebol who can't even eat… that's kind of sad."

Changmin laughed on the other end of the phone. The weak laughter sounded tired. Yunho wanted to hug him. How nice would it be to be able to go to the company at a time like this and see him? Although it would be impossible.

"Eat properly. You're doing all this to feed yourself in the end."

[I miss you.]

"Stop trying to change the topic."

[I miss you, Jung Yunho.]

"I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

[Okay. I gotta go.]

"Okay. Call me again when you're free."

[I will. Bye.]

Yunho put away the phone in his pocket, and for the first time in a long time, closed his eyes, tilted his head back and felt the sunshine fall onto his face. The weather was perfect, the café was almost finished, and he called.

He was very, very happy.

 

 

Yunho was in the dark café alone, his clothes covered in paint. He dressed in preparation for that, though. He wanted to paint even just one wall on his own. Since it was his own shop, he wanted there to be at least one spot that he worked on with his own hands. It was an interior design that was very warm. With just one yellow light on, he started to clumsily but carefully paint the wall with white paint.

Changmin turned off his car and watching Yunho work in the dark café, got out of the car. He finally felt like he could breathe again. Rushing to finish his work and running to the café was worth it; he missed Yunho so much, he really felt like he was going to die if he didn't see Yunho for even a short time today. He was set to leave for Japan early morning tomorrow, so they had just about five hours together.

He pushed open the café door quietly. Maybe because there was loud music on or because he was so focused, Yunho worked, not even noticing Changmin. It made Changmin want to laugh, but realizing that he could scare Yunho, he held it in. But he was seriously starting to wonder whether Yunho was a bit obtuse; he didn't realize that Changmin was there even when he was immediately behind him. Changmin wrapped his arms around Yunho's waist.

"Ahh…!!" shouted Yunho with a jump. He looked back at Changmin. "What…?!"

Half happy, half surprised. No, a little happier than surprised.

"So dense."

"I thought you were busy…!"

"I am. Super busy. But I wanted to see you," said Changmin tiredly, and embraced Yunho again. Yunho lifted up his arms high, afraid that the paintbrush would touch Changmin.

"Wait, wait, this is going to get on you. My clothes too –"

Changmin got even closer. "I don't care…"

"This stuff doesn't come off…! I don't – okay, don't say I didn't warn you."

It was nice. It was nice that he came to see him. It didn't matter if they were both covered in paint. They buried their faces in each other's shoulders, took in each other's scent, and hugged tightly. Their fatigue melted away.

"I love this."

"Me too. I wasn't expecting you at all, and seeing you like this is nice."

"I thought of a name for the café."

"Did you?"

" _Sentimiento_."

"What does it mean?"

" _Sentimiento_. Emotions. It's Spanish. I hope that the people who come here are also able to feel the happiness and the emotions that I learned from you."

Yunho smiled happily. "Thank you. I love it. What would you like in return?"

"In return?"

"Yeah. Tell me."

"I want to have you," whispered Changmin. "Right now."

 

 

Sentimiento. The sign went up, and finally, the construction was over. It was overwhelming. It was the first workplace that would gift him with a normal life. He was with the person he loved, he had his own café, and he was happier than ever. It felt like all of his hurt from the past was healed.  The reflection of himself off the window of the café was unfamiliar, but he liked it. The natural hair, a neat coat, jeans, and sneakers. The healthy Yunho that he dreamt of, and Changmin beside him.

"I'm never going to be able to forget today."

I'm never going to forget today.

 

 

Watching him sleeping on a weekend morning was much more exciting than watching TV or a movie. They've already missed breakfast, and if they didn't get up now, they were going to miss brunch, too. Yunho thought for a moment, but decided not to wake him. Whatever. Sleeping in is fine, too. When else would they have a chance to sleep in, and get up when their eyes opened? Yunho closed his eyes again, and with Changmin's even breaths as his lullaby, closed his eyes again.

How much longer did he sleep for…? He woke up at a tickle on his cheek.

"What the…"

It was Changmin, poking at his cheek.

"Wake up already."

"I was up way before. I just went back to sleep because you were the one sleeping in."

"I'm hungry."

"Should we make pasta?"

"Sounds good."

Yunho sat up from bed and stretched out his arms.

At first, both of them were busy in the kitchen, but with Changmin's phone ringing nonstop, it ended up Yunho doing all of the work in the end. While cutting up the vegetables for the pasta, he concentrated on Changmin's voice talking into the phone in the living room. His voice got louder and louder.

"I told you to say that I'm coming back from my business tomorrow. You can't even handle something so simple?"

It didn't sound like it was about work… but about Yunho. Yunho cut slowly and while keeping both ears on Changmin's conversation.

"I can't go home today. Figure it out."

Changmin was smiling when he came back into the kitchen after he finished the call, but Yunho wasn't feeling so comfortable.

"Just go home today. It's not good for either of us if something happens." Yunho bit his lip. Did I really mean that?

"…"

"Okay? Just go home."

"What did we decide on, aglio e olio?"

 "Director. We don't have to push it. We're the ones that are going to suffer in the end."

Maybe Yunho wanted Changmin to say that he wouldn't go home, despite what Yunho was saying. It was so juvenile.

"I'm hungry. Let's hurry," said Changmin stubbornly.

"…Okay. Just wait."

Right. It wasn't like Changmin was going to listen to him, he was so stubborn. Let's just make good pasta. While Yunho continued to cut up the vegetables, Changmin began to boil the pasta. However, the peace only lasted a minute; Changmin's phone was ringing again, and the atmosphere cooled again. Changmin glanced up at Yunho, chopping wordlessly, and he answered the phone just outside the kitchen. It was Park Euna.

"Yes."

[I thought you were on a business trip. I heard you were in Korea…]

"It ended up this way. The buyer decided to come to Korea instead. I had some things to do, so I slept in the office."

[Should I bring over some change of clothes?]

Her intention was clear. She wanted to check whether he was really at the office. She would never be able to outwardly nag him, her pride and all.

"No, I have plenty of extra clothes at the office. Don't worry."

Yunho felt like he was eavesdropping. Like he'd become a fly on the wall. It felt wrong. But to say that he was there first – he already knew that the marriage bound by law was firmer.

"Fine. I will sleep at home today."

Today…?

"Ah…!"

He cut his finger. So stupid. Blood began to fall onto the cutting board. It seemed deeper than he thought. Was it because he was so shocked, or was it because of another reason?

Yunho just stared at his finger, staining darker and darker with blood. At the short, soft shout, Changmin walked over to Yunho, still on the phone. He frowned at the bleeding finger, and while looking at Yunho in his eyes, he said in a dry, stable voice, to the woman on the other end of the line –

"I know. I love you too."

Soon, his lips closed over Yunho's finger. The cut stung as Changmin's tongue ran over it. Changmin's eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"Bye."

He threw the phone on the counter carelessly, and he looked at the cut more closely.

"You should have been more careful."

"I couldn't be more careful."

"I'm sorry. It didn't work out like I planned."

"That's why I told you to go in."

 _Why are you getting angry, Jung Yunho,_ Yunho thought. _Why are you being so childish_.

"She says she's sick. I know she's making that up. I think she's being a bit suspicious. I think she's not going to leave us alone until I pretend to take care of her."

"I know all that. You don't have to explain it."

Yunho walked out of the kitchen and brought out the first aid kit, although soon, Changmin had made him sit on the couch. The way Changmin put the ointment on his finger then the band-aid was so tender.

"Are you… mad at me?"

Yunho couldn't help but laugh. Was Yunho angry? Well, Changmin was making it so that he couldn't even get mad.

"I'm not mad. Just a bit upset."

It was Changmin who laughed this time.

"I can't believe you told her you loved her in front of me."

"I was saying it to you. I was looking at you, and I was saying it to you."

"You're a businessman through and through, the way you can talk out of anything."

Changmin pulled Yunho into himself. He must love him very much, not to even get angry over things like this anymore. Maybe he was becoming too hard.

"It's for real. And I'm sorry I keep asking you to understand my situation…"

"I do. I understand."

"… Thank you."

"Go. Before you get nagged even more."

After Changmin left, all of the pasta that he had been making went straight into the garbage. There was no point in eating something fancy by himself. It wasn't like he had an appetite anymore. He poured some hot water into the bowl of instant noodles, and while watching the steam rise from the bowl, he leaned rested his chin on his hand.

_I did all that when I was young so that I didn't have to be his second. But in the end, that's where I ended up. Although I earned love. It's funny. It wasn't something I could avoid just because I wanted to. But now, I'm not so overwhelmed by it, and I don't even think it's so important anymore. Although I know this is a lot to risk, I want this peace to continue. For a long, long time._


End file.
